


The Perks of a Heartbreak

by Hell_Sunset



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Making Up, Minghao's a great friend, Mistakes, Misunderstandings, More pairings and characters will be added, Relationship Problems, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Seungcheol’s a great friend too, egocentrism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-04-18 10:14:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14210907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hell_Sunset/pseuds/Hell_Sunset
Summary: Even if breaking up is harsh, sad and confusing, sometimes one can rebuild from what once crashed from it's own weight.Soonyoung and Jihoon loved like magic, but when the magic is gone, what's left from the ashes of their own ego?





	1. The Sad Hamster

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! 
> 
> First and foremost I want to say English is not my first language and this is my way of practicing my writing skills. So any constructive criticism is welcomed and much needed to improve myself in this regard. 
> 
> Also, this is my take on break up, bad communication and the rebuild of trust. I hope you can enjoy the heartbreak.

The Perks of a Heartbreak 

 

 

Chapter One

The Sad Hamster

 

 

 

Kwon Soonyoung wasn’t a man that dealt with heart issues before meeting Lee Jihoon.

A few years back, love or lack of thereof wasn’t really a a topic he dwelled for long periods of time. His friends often joked about his unparalleled love for dancing and the studio he owned, dedicating time, patience and that characteristic overflowing compassion to his students and coworkers. Yet pointed out his long stablished singleness. That singleness actually was a blessing, if you asked him. Choreographies as complex and precise as his weren’t made by working just the contractually stablished hours, and more often than not, you could find him pass out in front of the big mirror in the studio, a goofy smile on his face and the lull of a song still present on the air. In those moments his friends called him crazy. Called him obsessive. 

And yet, they enjoyed the results of his long days with claps and cries of joy, cushioning him with praises and the warmth of friendship. 

No one doubted he was happy; yet the loneliness, when the long hours of dancing and music culminated and the night wore down on his tiny apartment downtown like April’s showers. Soonyoung, oh sweet, overly optimistic and naive Soonyoung tried his hardest not to show the depths in which his mood swam during those gloom, albeit sparse, nights. But when his body was stiff and aching from far too much dancing and the lack of a proper bed made his joints scream, the longing for a sympathetic partner, a not-so-friendly-friend-but-maybe-more, got stronger and his reality, much harsher. 

That void often led him to look for new interesting hobbies; both music and dancing had interesting ramifications that actually led him to Lee Jihoon, a young, prodigious producer. It was at a much needed break after a big competition in which his team got a outstanding second place and much needed resources to start renovations at the studio. That meant not only lots of free time, but also meant that Soonyoung couldn’t even use the studio to practice his new overflowing ideas and the excess of energy and need of evasion were leading him to a rather uncharacteristic mental breakdown. That was also, kinda, bringing his friends to the brim of utter exasperation.

Xu Minghao, their youngest Chinese worker, b-boy teacher and studio photographer was actually rather fed up with the annoying text messages and voice notes send by the older choreographer. He couldn’t say he hadn’t a soft spot for their main choreographer; actually was by far the softest for him, but everyone had a limit. And his was 8 voice messages at 11 pm while trying to have some cute down time with his boyfriend, fellow Chinese national, contemporary dance teacher, and studio manager, Wen Junhui. It didn’t help that said boyfriend also got a copious amount of texts just seconds after his went unanswered. Even if Soonyoung had been nothing but accommodating and helpful to both Chinese males since college and took them down the rabbit hole that was Hurricane Dance Studio, the overly excited and perfectionist, chubby-cheeked, slanted-eyed idiot could be overbearing and overly attached. Junhui at first tried to take it with humor: everyone and the spiders that lived between their walls knew Soonyoung was hyper and single minded in his quest, so it wasn’t uncommon to face down time with some awkwardly placed text or call to discuss a choreography or project that didn’t even had a proper goal. It was just the way he worked.

Yet, down time also had a limited time of two to three weeks every year at most. Renovations were a month in and three more weeks to go could well enough kill Soonyoung just by an anxiety attack. So, after a few calls to the correct people - Lee Seokmin, up and coming musical actor and Boo Seungkwan, struggling musician trying to find his break, to be precise - they decided it was time to show Soonyoung a new vessel for his unrelenting energy. 

They, of course, chose a Tae Kwon Do class. Soonyoung didn’t know if he wanted to strangle them - [“I don’t need it! I’m already a black belt!!” he answered when cornered at a family ramen joint close to Chan’s - their last Hurricane Dance Studio member and savage maknae - house] - or be secretly motivated. Tae Kwon Do was the reason dancing became his long life love, and often used his knowledge in the discipline to apply into his choreographies. 

It also helped that he was an acquittance of another student, the already mentioned Lee Jihoon. They actually circulated around the same group of friends - Jihoon was the childhood friend of the Seungkwan’s boyfriend’s friend, Choi Seungcheol. Interestingly enough, knowing and having met each in the past didn’t meant they actually knew each other; while the hyper choreographer was the kind of guy that liked to be in the center of any get together with his equally overly excited friends, Jihoon kept to himself talking to either Seungcheol or his boyfriend Jeoghan, or actually providing the music for the evening. Meeting each other in such circumstances was kinda funny, if you asked either of them. While Jihoon was there as a way to take Seungcheol off his back - [“You need proper exercise and human contact! And no, a phone that answers your questions doesn’t count, goddamnit” ]- and Soonyoung just kinda attended because, what else was there to do? Both of them gravitated to each other fast enough. The apparent rift between their personalities was rapidly replaced by the understanding and empathy their like minded work ethics and taste in music provided.

[“You always play such great music at parties! Is amazing! I’ve never got around asking you who is the artist behind that song you played last time…!”

Jihoon will, to this day, deny the blush that colored his cheeks when Soonyoung praised his work and begged to listen to some of his old and new songs.] 

At first, the novelty and excitement of a new relationship took them out of their well stablished comfort zone: Soonyoung actually looked forward to attend a class he already excelled at and found, in all honesty, rather boring - even after work re started and actually didn’t stay up after hours that much anymore-, and Jihoon didn’t dread the loss of time attending a class he liked but didn’t love as much as his music studio. It wasn’t long before bi monthly get togethers with their shared friends shifted from really just a passing greet in favor of actually spending the night talking among themselves. If you asked Jeonghan, the motherly figure among their mismatched group, it was four months into their weekly Tae Kwon Do classes that he noticed that little new thing that couldn’t be called friendship anymore. Jihoon’s crankiness wouldn’t allow that much physical contact if he wasn’t at least somewhat interested in the other person, and Soonyoung didn’t abuse his privilege, often just sitting close to the music producer in uncharacteristic calmness. Kim Mingyu, on the other hand, was partially horrified when he found them kissing in front of the darkened doors of the dancing studio. It didn’t make it better that Jihoon was using one of the three steps to the studio entrance as a way to tower over Soonyoung. 

[“When did this happen???? Soonyoung-hyung, why didn’t you tell me?!” he pouted when mortification transformed into a smug, amused grin.

“One word about this, you oversized dog, and you’ll be meeting my guitar. Straight into your face.” Had answered Jihoon before the dancer could even process a coherent answer.]

[It must be said that Mingyu met with said guitar when, at Seokmin’s birthday get together, Jihoon and Soonyoung arrived at the same time and in a stream of bad decisions caused by a fair amount of soju, made kissy faces towards them.]

[It wasn’t as the rest of the group hadn't discussed the matter at hand in it’s full extent in a group text filled with frustrated gif’s and bets]

[Jeonghan was the biggest winner and Jihoon didn’t dignify him with a look in almost two weeks]

[It was so worth it]

 

But now onto the present day, two years and three months into their relationship and Soonyoung wasn’t sure where the magic was anymore. Sure, their group of friends solidified into a, albeit still mismatched group of misfits, close support group, and he couldn’t be more grateful for that. And yet, that sinking loneliness he once felt alone in his apartment crept behind the hair of his head every time he arrived into their shared apartment and Jihoon was, still, not there.

At first their schedules suffered greatly, even after leaving that Tae Kwon Do class. Over working and long after hours didn’t help to a cement a blossoming relationship, and both of them compromised in that area quite openly, if not with a few struggles and tears in the middle. That didn’t mean that when Jihoon had deadlines to meet or Soonyoung had to stay long with his team to perfect a choreo the other didn’t understand and support the struggle, but they had to say goodbye to most of their bad working habits if they wanted the relationship to work. And maybe that’s why Soonyoung began to trust his coworkers a whole lot more in regards of dancing programs. It was a fruitful change inside the Studio, and his three friends welcomed it with open arms. Chan was maybe the happiest, given the new found freedom he had to give his input and creativity without the overbearing presence of their leader over their necks. If the dancing hamster, as they often called him in lunch meetings, was happy, they could be free of his anxious texting and over attached clinginess.

[“I’m not a hamster” would Soonyoung answer with a pout.

“Dude, you are not helping your case. Even Hoonie-hyung calls you his hamster.” would tell Minghao between giggles.

The blush in their lead dancer’s cheeks only made it worse.]

But that wasn’t the case anymore, the young Chinese dancer mused after winning their last competition a week ago. A year back, Soonyoung would have shouted and cried in the ugliest way possible while Jihoon cooed over him and praised his hard work. That day, not even the shadow of the tiny producer appeared in the crowd. He wasn’t stupid, he noticed things. And he noticed the strain in the oldest dancer’s smile, the weight on his shoulders every time the last dance class came to an end, and the dread in his eyes when he would lock the door. The once bright smile was dampened with a constant sadness that couldn’t be pinpointed easily. Or well, it couldn’t till that faithful day. He cried ugly, he shouted and reciprocated every hug and praise their friends gave them with a robotic smile - even Hong Jisoo’s, whose loving hugs and encouraging words could lit u the darkest of rooms. Junhui attributed it to tired limbs and not much sleep, but Minghao knew best. And to Jihoon’s absence? The answer was a simple but foreboding “he had to work”. 

It was like that dark mood he once had transformed into something even uglier and sadder. Lonelier. Deeper. Where once were unsolicited voice messages, now laid two tickets that showed that the dancer in fact read the message, but couldn’t be bothered to answer till the next day, in person. Where once was a constant need of contact and connection, was the absence of every form of lively touching or interaction. And it wasn’t as it Soonyoung didn’t fight it and worked to be livelier, happier during their interactions, but those little things that most could consider as growing up, into maturing into an adult that maybe appreciated some alone time, Minghao knew were signals that something was very, very wrong. 

But even if he tried to ask their performance mastermind, he would just charge the subject without much subtlety. It came to a point that even Junhui and Chan couldn’t make him laugh with their improvised shenanigans, and the gloomy mood seemed to eat away every down moment. 

“It’s getting worse…” started Chan while looking straight into Soonyoung’s office. The oldest was meeting with some electrician for the installation of new sound equipment down in the basement. 

“No kidding” bit Minghao back while Junhui played with his hands, drawing soft Chinese patterns into his palm “but he won’t say a thing. Wonwoo-hyung even tried talking to him last week, but nothing came of it.”

“Well, we all know how emotionally stunted Wonu-ah is…” provided a very quiet Junhui. 

“Yeah, but it was the only one who could ambush him. Not much choice there” replied Chan “And Jihoon-hyung has been everything but approachable these days. Jeonghan-hyung is a bit miffed about it because Seungcheol-hyung gets frantic when he holes away.”

“Well, I’ve talked to Seokmin-ah….” Said Junhui, a bit unsure in his tone “apparently that’s exactly the thing. He went over to Soonie’s the Sunday before our big win and Jihoon wasn’t even home”

Minghao pursed his lips. He hated to meddle into someone’s else’s relationship. But this was affecting his own world. Without Soonyoung’s passion and drive, neither of them could be working in stuff they actually liked. And even if the pay wasn’t the best and the hours were long, he wouldn’t change it for the world. And now their leader was demotivated and gloom, using all his available energy to fake a smile and teach his classes the best of his ability. 

“I’m scared….” confessed Chan after a moment of silence “I’ve known Hyung maybe the shortest time… but I’m afraid he will collapse one of these days. He is not himself…. And… and…”

“yeah…” cut Junhui “I get it…. But… break-ups happen. He’ll come around eventually.”

Breakup. That word left a bitter taste in Minghao’s mouth. 

 

Even if their worries were in fact shared with the rest of their group, everything seemed to change their next get together, for Hansol’s birthday. Jihoon and Soonyoung arrived together, hand in hand, shared present in Jihoon’s oversized backpack and everything seemed fine. They sat together, talked among their friends as usual, cheered when Vernon blew the candles out and Chan crushed his face into the cake, much to Seungkwan’s mortification for their rented apartments floor. It was like the last few months hadn’t happened and Minghao breathed easily. Maybe Jihoon’s crushing hours were over and he and Soonyoung could go back to being cheesy and cute together. Writing love songs and choreographing slow dances just for two. It was uplifting. The three dancers shared relieved looks through the night, reassuring themselves that maybe the storm was over and they could go back to their light and happy mood.

That was till everyone was talking among different groups - even in all their cheesiness, neither Soonyoung or Jihoon were the clingy overbearing type during these get togethers. They had lives and topics with friends outside their relationship - and Minghao went to the bathroom. On his way back to fight Mingyu over his poor taste in movies, he heard hushed voices in the kitchen over the boom of Monta X new album and something pushed him to eavesdrop. 

There were Jihoon and Seungcheol, alone.

“… annoying. Yeah. He is overbearing and loud. He has been giving me pain for months over work. I can’t even concentrate when he is around and he is so selfish! He knows I have tons of work and still presses me to do shit and has the face to get upset because I won’t arrive to some crappy competition he is in. I don’t know what’s his deal…” a long pause came afterwards and the anger inside Minghao’s gut was growing like wildfire on dry grass. He couldn’t see Seungcheol’s face, but his silence was even worse than any verbal answer he could give “you know I won’t put up with that. It has been to tiring spending time with his overly excited ass. It’s just…. I just… ugh, why can’t I love someone like you? It would be easier. You don’t give me shit over not spending time together…”

That was enough for Minghao. Frustrated tears threatened to drop down from his eyes and he needed fresh air before he went ballistic on that gremlin’s ass. So that was what’s going on. No shit Soonyoung was so upset and drained. If he had to put up with such treatment he would also be among the living dead. The question in hand was… why did Soonyoung deal with such crap? If Junhui had the gal to badmouth him like that he would have dropped his sorry being a long, LONG time ago. But not sweet, patient and compassionate Soonyoung. Without much preamble he got out the apartment and took the late winter’s air as a relief to his hot eyes. He needed to calm down or he would make an scene in Hansol’s special day and he didn’t want to ruin the evening for all of them. He could take his own ruined night home and confide in his boyfriend over some discount soju they had stored somewhere. 

“Are you okay?” Came the question behind his back and Jeonghan’s frame seemed blurry behind the tears he couldn’t hold back “Hao-ah, what’s wrong? Did something happen? Do I need to call Jun out?”

“Hyung….” He started, unsure, and rubbed his face violently, before denying with a sharp move of his head 

“Don’t give me that. What’s going on?”

“Did you know your boyfriend and his gremlin of a friend badmouth Soonyoung-hyung behind his back???” He snapped, and saw how Jeonghan’s features mutated from a concerned frown to a confused slack jaw. 

“…What?”

“Well, that’s what’s been going on in the kitchen. I heard them call Soonyoung annoying and loud and selfish and I’m so angry!!! I just…. I can’t….” He struggled with his words, trying to find the right translation to the infuriating sinking feeling he got in the pit of his stomach.

“…. Cheollie wouldn’t do that….”

“Well he did!!!” Shouted the very angry Chinese man and Jeonghan, startled gave a step forward.

“Hao, calm down. I’ll go down to the bottom of this, ok? I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for it all. It has to be just a misunderstanding” even if his words were comforting, something behind his eyes was steel and ice “I will talk to Cheol tonight. I’m sure this is all a misunderstanding.” he repeated, mostly to himself.

“Damn sure it has to be or I’m going to beat that asshole’s ass” 

“Who’s an asshole…? Hao are you okay???” Came the concerned voice of Jun, who in a heartbeat had him wrapped with his winter coat and scarf. Neither of them noticed him getting out of the loud apartment.

With one last look to Jeonghan, Minghao requested to go home. He needed to talk about what he heard with Jun, even if it all was, in fact, a misunderstanding. Jun, the good boyfriend he was, went back to get his things and excuse themselves for the evening, as Jeonghan joined the rest inside, a sense of dread masked with well practiced smiles. 

 

Next Monday Soonyoung called in sick. Minghao couldn’t help but pace around like a jailed tiger. Junhui was livid when he was told everything his boyfriend heard went on that night, but also tried to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Minghao didn’t stick around to hear Seungcheol’s answer to Jihoon’s reasoning, even if the harsh words pierced through his heart. He tried to be empathetic, as he also had times when he thought about Soonyoung among those lines, but never with poison and real resentment behind it. But the fact that the way Jihoon talked was enough to make his strong and steady boyfriend crack in such a way, gave away the underlying resentment behind his words. It didn’t help that neither Jeonghan nor Seungcheol had answered their texts all weekend. Even Chan got no answer from Jeonghan, and that itself was a red flag for anything going on behind the curtains.

On Tuesday, Jeonghan came down Hurricane Dance Studio by lunch. A grim frown adorned his features and the anxious dancers couldn’t do anything but wait for an explanation. 

“Soonyoung is taking a holiday” he began, unsure “He needs some time away.”

“Hyung, what’s going on???” Begged Chan, his strong frame shaking despite his best efforts.

“All I can say is that Soonyoung left his and Jihoon's shared apartment on Monday and needs some time away to sort out his thoughts. Me and Cheollie are helping him out… Jihoon still doesn’t know, really…..” A sad pout now came into view, and he bit his bottom lip, more unsure than anything.

“What… he left…?” Minghao chorused breathlessly. 

“Yeah. Jihoon went on a business trip on Monday and will be back on Thursday. He isn’t really answering his phone on anything regarding Soonyoung and… well… the details are not mine to tell.”

A long silence befell the four men as the deserted Dance Studio filled to the brim in dread. 

Minghao there wished he had gone ballistic on Jihoon’s ass that night.


	2. Those Fleeting Chances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon has his own views on their issues.

Chapter Two

Those Fleeting Chances

 

Music was everything. It flew in the wind, it resonated beneath the earth, it flowed like a river and sparked with the light of fire. It had color, sense, smell and taste, at least that was what Jihoon answered when people questioned him about his unconventional life choices. Music was everything and It was nothing at the same time, fleeting in it’s own intangibility, and that made it all the more precious to the young composer. And maybe that’s why he had such troubles to connect with everything that had a mass, that had a weight. It all felt too heavy and tiring; mater was imperfect and often didn’t add up to expectations. 

He had his own body as an example: short in height, somewhat stocky, not really that pleasing in the face and much to tiny eyes to be considered attractive. And yet his mind, his heart, it was far more interesting and outgrew the limitations his body provided. Where his height was short, his personality was large and tall; were his limbs laid stocky, his musical talents were flexible and elegant; where his face could have been better, his voice was pleasing and inviting; where his eyes where so tiny people often teased him about his ability to see, his creativity was bigger than he was capable of using it. Hong Jisoo, Seungcheol’s and Jeonghan’s roommate reprimanded him on being far too critical of his physical aspect, but no one could deny it didn’t make justice to just how much better everything else about him was. 

His own insecurities around his body also made social interactions difficult. People’s first impact on anything was visual, and his visuals just weren’t up to par. 

[“You need to stop avoiding people. It might actually lead you to a meaningful experience, for once…” complained Jeonghan.

“Easy for you to say, everyone wants to listen to your snake-tongue just because you are pretty” had answered Jihoon.]

 

Awkwardness and self consciousness actually were an amazing aid to his music writing abilities. He was empathetic to the struggle of many, on even a deeper layer than most. His appreciation for melodies and the beauty of intangible feelings of love and loss gave the public an experience, rather than giving them just entertainment. But also it made him sedentary and pushed his body to the limits of good health. Spending hours in front of a computer or sitting with a guitar on his legs wasn’t really the best life choice a mid twenties man could take, specially because he wasn’t getting any younger and all his friends had pretty much their lifes figured out. Seungcheol pressed him to take on new hobbies, maybe dating or even a martial art, anything that could put his body into move but wasn’t necessarily a team effort. He just needed movement and social interaction. 

“Yah, I will look for something. Man, aren’t you such a dad sometimes…” complained Jihoon while taking off the seatbelt of Seungcheol’s car. The older man was the talent manager of the entertainment company both worked at, and usually rode together to work, as a way to keep their friendship strong and fresh. Or, as Jihoon usually pointed out, as a way to control his crabby tendencies.

“Good. I swear if I hear you talk to that blasted phone one more time….”

“What do you have against Siri? She is useful!”

“Get. A. LIFE.” gritted the oldest man through his teeth “see you tomorrow”

That’s why when he got out for his much needed caffeine fix after a rather taxing meeting with the mentioned manager, and their CEO, the Tae Kwon Do class flyer that was neatly posted on the cafeteria’s wall took his attention. It wasn’t too far off his usual walk home and the first month wasn’t really that expensive. But he could pay anything to get Seungcheol’s off his stiff back. He also had some prior experience in the discipline, due his dabbling in sports when he was in middle school. It couldn’t be that bad, and he could just pay monthly. 

[“What if you actually enjoy it in the end, Honnie?” asked Seungcheol on the phone “maybe you’ll find a way to reconnect with the physical realm! It will be a great new adjustment to your life!”]

What he wasn’t expecting in this new adjustment was Kwon Soonyoung. 

Where Jihoon was like the night sky, dark yet sparkly, Soonyoung shone like a mid summer’s day, open and bright. He knew of the young choreographer, actually had shared a handshake or two with him before, but never actually bothered to deepen their bond; the oldest was just too bright, and what he saw didn’t make him really interesting. It was just another dancing diva that focused on looking cool instead of making anything of substance. He was loud, obnoxious, attention seeker and oh so empty. 

He, for the first time, was so pleased to be proved wrong.

[“Dancing is an experience. It’s not just what you see…” explained one day Soonyoung, during the breaks between pose training and actual contact combat “it’s what it makes you feel. Dancing is the physical manifestation of a mood, of a story, of a song…”

And Jihoon thought, in that moment, that the physical realm actually had merit to it. Or maybe it just was the light behind Soonyoung’s slanted eyes]

For someone who struggled so much to accept his own material worth, he could easily appreciate the chubby cheeked male’s. Even if he had prominent flaws in what had to be considered physical attract-ability, in his eyes there wasn’t a being who had better features. Those flaws actually made him all the more interesting and beautiful, and he began thinking that maybe, in those shy glances and long sneaky stares, Soonyoung found his flaws perfect too.

 

Their relationship and love had melody and rhythm to it. It was a power ballad, which base shook the ground with every well placed step. It was a mellow love song, and an aggressive anthem. It was just as much as their flaws as it was their strengths. Jeon Wonwoo, one of Jihoon’s closest friends, actually described them as a couple that softened each other edges, that took the others unapproachability and transformed it into an endearing clumsiness. Neither of them could rid of each others deepest flaws - they were much too alike to force the other to take breaks even when they knew it was the wisest choice - but that was also what made their harmony so good. They could be themselves despite being together. 

But the came the noise. That horrid cacophony. 

It all began a year and a half into their relationship, when Soonyoung suggested they should move in together and Jihoon gladly accepted the idea. Saving money and spending time with his beloved muse all in one stand wasn’t a chance he was keen on passing. Even if Jihoon’s job paid well enough, it also had long hours and business trips that took one too many days of his precious time, and Soonyoung’s, albeit less profitable, demanded constant attention and work. So, every second they spent together were a blessing their hectic lifestyles provided when the stars aligned and their luck actually decided they were good enough to pay a short visit. Living together would take luck out of the equation, and domesticity was something both secretly enjoyed. 

Or at least Jihoon thought he would. Everything began to get less than what he expected soon after their first stupid fight about whose turn was to wash the dishes. Sure, stupid fights like that were bound to happen when you lived together with the love of your life - he’s had the traumatic experience of sitting next to Jisoo as a mediator in Jeonghan’s and Seungcheol’s cold wars one too many times - but Soonyoung slowly but steadily began to ask… for more. Of what, Jihoon wasn’t sure. He was comfortable in their routine. Dance and Music were their first loves and both agreed that even their bond couldn’t break the passion they felt for their discipline of chose. But then it wasn’t just to accompany Soonyoung to a dance competition, but it was accompanying Soonyoung to that new fabric expo in the next town over to see if there was anything of use for the kids showcase. Or it was going out every weekend on short dates that weren’t much of a joy when they became somewhat of an obligation. 

[“Why can’t we spend the night home?”

“Because the world is great out there! Inspiration comes from experience, Honnie!”

“…….. but it is so taxing…”

“Come one, Hoonie, for me?]

Sure enough, friendly get togethers provided a much needed space between them. Away from the apartment. Away from commitment. Away of flaws. Jihoon could pour his complains down Seungcheol’s throat without as much as a blink, and the former would reming him that even if Soonyoung was annoying, he loved him and wouldn’t chose a break up.

[“Do you see yourself leaving him?”

“No. Never. But….”

“When the ‘but’ gets bigger than the ‘no’, please take the choice that will be the best for both of you.”]

And yet, the house became suffocating with domesticity and compromise that sounded more like underwater white noise than a pleasing melody. Both when balancing the “but” and the “no” together, he found himself watching that little picture inside his wallet, where Soonyoungs head laid on his broader shoulder and chubby cheek was pressed against his collarbone, and both their smiles sounded like a love song. Soonyoung still sounded like a love song, it was just the muddy white noise that distorted the music. 

So, he chose the best option: be away of the noise. That way, he could go on loving Soonyoung and music without the distracting dread of going back to a place that drained every single tiny thing out of his system. And it seemed to work. Soonyoung still was bright when they met, just as it was before living together, even if he got clingier and louder in his complaints.

It wasn’t till the winter of their second year together that the music in Soonyoung’s soul became noisier, muddier, and Jihoon went on a full on panic trip down anxiety and stress lane. He didn’t know what to do. Their melody didn’t match as it once did, and to his horror, the intangibility of that sound made it imposible to work on fixing the problem. It was Soonyoung the one who had to fix his noisy complaints and unreasonable requests for the melody to match once again. But in his stubbornness, the older male refused to face the problem at hand and just became a nuisance. An annoying nuisance. 

Even then, Jihoon’s “but” couldn’t surpass the “no”. It was just a thing of how to fix Soonyoung, but their love and compatibility still was strong and cemented in their compromises and shared little nothings. Their life was so connected and shared, that breaking it up would destroy everything they held dear, and Jihoon would be damned if they’ll let that happen. He just had to press a little more, Just.a little more and Soonyoung would come around understanding that his demands weren’t compatible with their first love. 

His therapeutic complains to Seungcheol kept him sane, even and friendly get togethers and birthday parties. He could just let it all go and be reminded of what really mattered. He just asked to be heard, but he was sure he and his boyfriend could surpass this. They just needed to find the right place, the right moment. But he couldn’t help but to think it would have been easier to date someone who didn’t demand as much attention as Soonyoung. His charisma ate away everything, even the solitude Jihoon so desperately needed. 

 

Their breaking point came on February, just a few days before Hansol’s birthday party. Soonyoung had been moody. Jihoon even could tell in their shared text messages. Sure, he didn’t go to that blasted dance competition, but he couldn’t help it. It was once again the same routine, the same loud noises and claps that just didn’t sound right and besides, he had to finish up the new set of songs for their girl group comeback. He couldn’t just go and loose a full day traveling and watching Soonyoung tear the stage into smithereens. He knew his beloved boyfriend would win, what was the point of going through calvary just to see that? All the hard work and well timed base will surely lead the quartet straight to the nationals, if they so desired. He didn’t, no, he couldn’t grasp what was wrong in that scenario, but knew something had to be.

So, he tried to ignore it. Surely it would pass, like anything did between them. Just let it roll away. Write a song about him. About frustrations in love. About long elegant limbs and rhyme. That he could stop being annoyed. Annoyance became art, and art became an outlet. 

They met up at a old record store a few blocks away from Jihoon’s studio and immediately he noticed the pit patter of rain in Soonyoung’s mood. It was soft and melodic, They shared ideas on what to get their free spirited friend and chose the perfect vinyl, went down for coffee and smiled shyly. He could see the hopeful light peeking through the clouds in his eyes, and the shortest was sure they finally were getting better. Testing the waters, Jihoon shared that he had a business trip next week, but his boyfriend was nothing but understanding about it, telling him he was going to miss him. Somehow, Jihoon thought that was it. That’s the end of the cacophony right there. They strolled around some more and went into their shared apartment in blessed silence. 

They went to sleep just like that. Jihoon noted Soonyoung had gone to bed with a frown on his face, but couldn’t pin point what made the dancer contract his muscles like that. 

By Hansol’s birthday, the noise was even more present. That tenseness in Soonyoung’s body hadn’t left, and the silence was deafening, but their friends provided a much needed respite. It helped that everyone actually got together and had the time to talk about their life changes over the past few months, or the new projects they may have. On the other hand, Seungkwan could be counted to always made any situation funnier, specially if he, Seokmin and Soonyoung got together in an improvised skit. It felt natural. 

But then Seokmin got just a little too loud, and Soonyoung a little too feisty. Again, Jihoon felt uncomfortable. Where was the quiet Soonyoung that was happy to spend just a few minutes in soft quietness besides him? Why did it feel like the noise and energy that made Soonyoung a sweet summer’s morning, transformed him into a scorching hell’s lunch, imposible to swallow?

Thankfully good old Seunghcheol noticed his anxiety flaring up. With a well placed “Care to join me for a drink in the kitchen?” He knew the oldest was trying to get him to pour his soul and get over that bitter sensation in his mouth. So he joined. 

“Are you happy, Jihoon?” He asked, and the shortest one froze in his body. Was he? Was all of this worth his time? Was his constant anxiety worth the struggle?

“I don’t know, hyung” he answered, after a tense moment “But… the ‘no’ is still bigger than the ‘but’”

“Is that just something you tell to yourself? Or is it what you really feel, Hoonie?”

That made him think. Long and hard nursing his drink with quite musings.

“It’s just… it’s so… annoying. Yeah. He is overbearing and loud. He has been giving me pain for months over work. I can’t even concentrate when he is around and he is so selfish! He knows I have tons of work and still presses me to do shit and has the face to get upset because I won’t arrive to some crappy competition he is in. I don’t know what’s his deal…” he paused, thinking his words hard and clear on his head, and Seungcheol let him prioritize what he wanted to convey next in helpful silence “you know I won’t put up with that. It has been to tiring spending time with his overly excited ass. It’s just…. I just… ugh, why can’t I love someone like you? It would be easier. You don’t give me shit over not spending time together…”

“We both know I would kill you if we spent ANY more time together” his friend joked back, voice strained.

“What’s wrong?” Jihoon asked, concerned. 

“Do you even hear yourself?”

“What do you mean….?”

Seungcheol stared at his drink, trying to piece his words together.

“To me, it sounds like the ‘but’ won a long time ago.”

Jihoon thought he was absolutely mental.

 

That night was absolutely horrible. Not long after they arrived home, Soonyoung didn’t and wouldn’t calm down, talking a mile per hour and bouncing around their living room like a ball. Jihoon tried to keep the noise out, but his boyfriend was relentlessly annoying. His mood was already affected by Seungcheol’s confusing questions, so Soonyoung’s attitude pushed him over the edge.

“Can you please shut up?” Asked the shorter male with a firm, angry tone. And suddenly, a lot of white noise. A defeaning silence and sinking stillness that froze the room made Jihoon realize that maybe he made a big mistake. And seeing Soonyoung’s morphing expression, he realized that it could be bigger than he initially thought.

“What is wrong with you?” He asked, his voice cracking “you’ve been such a jerk for weeks, and now you tell ME to shut up??”

“Soonyoung, please. I can’t deal with this” begged Jihoon.

“You NEVER can!!” shouted the exasperated dancer.

“Are you shouting to me now?? ” 

“You are the one who’s been short fused with me for MONTHS. You are never home! And when you are here, you don’t want me to talk???”

“You are talking too much!! It’s annoying!!”

“So I’m the problem??” 

“I never said that!!”

“You did just now!! What is wrong with you!?”

“With me?? You are the one who has been clingy, noisy, messy and too fucking nosy!! You get upset over every little thing and go on about it for HOURS!!”

“You didn’t join me on a REALLY special night for me and OUR friends! And not only that, you don’t even come home after that!! Not even ONE congratulation from you, Jihoon, for fuck’s sake!”

“It was obvious you were going to win! My imput wasn’t going to change a damned thing!!”

Soonyoung, even in his agitation, stilled. His shoulders slumped, and his whole body language closed off to Jihoon, like a shell around his whole frame. 

“Jihoon... do you even love me anymore?”

That question again. That goddamned question again. 

“Why are you asking me stupid shit like that?? Is that what this is about??” Jihoon retorted, even angrier.

The last words he heard from Soonyoung’s broken and monotone voice was the announcement that he was going to spend the night at Seokmin’s. Jihoon tried to remind him about his bussiness trip on Monday, but the older was set on not being around to say goodbye for that. And in their anger, Jihoon just let him go. He himself was not going to be around for the weekend anyways.

[Sleeping on a cold lonely bed was harder to sleep on a stiff, uncomfortable couch in his office]

They’ll surely fix everything on Thursday, when they remembered how much they loved each other. Because they did.

 

[The only thing greeting him back that Thursday was a half empty closet and a note.

 

“I can’t do this anymore. Goodbye Jihoon-ah”]


	3. And outside the sun was shining like a love song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Romantic relationships happen inside a closed system, but everyone orbiting said system have a say on it as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, some side and minor Jihancheol for you, just because I'm a sucker for the parent-line.

Chapter 3

And outside the sun was shining like a love song

 

(Sunday, 03:22 A.M.)

Soonyoung was a wreck. No, not even a wreck. He was actually like the leftovers of a very angry tornado, broken pieces still easily, recognizable, but scattered around so messily, that starting the clean up process was overwhelming and an emotional process all in one. Seokmin tried, he really did, to understand Soonyoung’s tears and place them into a coherent timeline. But being awakened at almost three in the morning, after a night of moderate drinking and happiness made it quite hard to process the helpless and defeated picture that his high school friend portrayed in that very moment, clad in last night’s clothes and curled on his couch. He wasn’t really afraid that Mingyu woke up from all the noise, the youngest chef and amateur fashion designer could sleep through a nuclear hecatomb, but it was the severity of the situation that ignited the feeling that maybe the sight in front of him wasn’t one to share. At least not right now.

He tried asking what was wrong, even if the answer had been pretty obvious for a long time coming. He just didn’t expect it to be that night the one that everything crashed and burned for his two friends. He dreaded this moment the most, but forced himself to adopt an optimistic outlook; if he couldn’t hope for everything to be okay in the end, he might just join Soonyoung in his crying. Seokmin loved his friends dearly and would give anything and everything to see them happy, but in the source of one’s unhappiness was another friend, the scenery got a bit messier. He really hoped neither Soonyoung nor Jihoon forced them to pick sides, even if it came implicit in such circumstances. But he was getting ahead of the matter at hand, which was a dry sobbing Soonyoung on his ratty couch, trembling and oh so small. 

“He couldn’t even tell me he loved me…. I asked directly and he couldn’t even say that…” muttered his friend after a few deep breaths, trying to compose himself. 

“Jihoon?”

Soonyoung nodded and added: “We were fighting, again… and he couldn’t give me that. He couldn’t even say that he still felt something for me, Minnie. All I do is get in his way and worsen his already stressing life….” 

Soonyoung sobs broke the stillness of the night once again.

Seokmin didn’t know what to say, so he just hugged his friend long and hard.

 

(Sunday, 12:49 P.M.) 

Soonyoung’s phone was blasting and he was dreading answering it. After such a shitty night, he crashed on Seokmin’s couch and ate Mingyu’s improvised breakfast. The tall, handsome man didn’t ask why he held an ice pack to his eyes, nor did he ask why he was there. Soonyoung was sure he knew, and he was thankful for his friend tactful avoidance of the topic. He just gave him a big and tight goodbye hug and sent him on his way back to the apartment. Seokmin was less confortable with letting him go back on his own, but Soonyoung reassured him that he needed to go back on his own and face what was to come by himself. Things were already messy enough, another party would surely make it harder to deal with whatever’s left of their broken relationship.

He actually wasn’t afraid to go back to any confrontation. He was sure Jihoon wasn’t even there anymore. A confrontation would have been less tragic; at least it would have meant Jihoon cared enough to stay and wait for him to calm down. But alas, he didn’t.

Knowing it didn’t make it any less harsh arriving and confirming the truth. Jihoon’s travel carry on was absent, as was his blue checkered jacket and shiny dark grey shoes. Surely he packed to leave for his business trip not even giving his…. well, still boyfriend a better goodbye. The house felt cold and dark, like a veil of thick fog surrounded every corner and ate away at what once was their home. If it could be still called that, Soonyoung didn’t know or care anymore. 

He gave his phone a glance and noticed that, in between a few texts from Minghao asking if they could meet up later that day - it couldn’t be so urgent, so Soonyoung just left that alone till Monday - and Seokmin’s “did you get back ok?” that he couldn’t not answer, there were two texts from Jeonghan-hyung. That was odd in itself, as Jeonghan never was quite close to him as he was to Jihoon. The two text read “Soonyoung, I need 2 talk w/ you” and “I’m omw to ur house w/ @S.Coups and @Jisoos_christ. ETA 20 min.”.

That was a bit over 10 minutes ago, 

[The first time Jeonghan started a one on one conversation willingly was to ask him what he saw in Jihoon. Even if his tone seemed light-hearted and somewhat teasing, Soonyoung had heard enough about the older actor to know that the casual tone was everything but innocent.]

[The older seemed pleased after he answered]

[He liked to know that Soonyoung thought of Jihoon as a delicate yet challenging dance, and that he felt privileged to be able to unravel the mystery of it’s steps with tenderness and compassion]

Without energy to fight back, he just sat down on the sofa - their sofa - and tried to understand where everything went wrong. He couldn’t pin point the exact moment and that drove him insane. He wanted to know when was the moment everything went bananas. Maybe then he’ll find the way to fix it. 

 

(Sunday, 01:13 A.M.)

Seungcheol was feeling blue. That was an understatement after all the crap he had to deal with that night. But as frustrating as Jihoon has always been, he just couldn’t think of him as a bad person, not even when his way of dealing with conflict and this… romance thing he had going on with Soonyoung - he was unable, at that point, to call it a “relationship” as there wasn’t much “relation” going on anymore - was everything but efficient. It didn’t help that, not ten minutes after arriving home, Jeonghan had went awfully quite and requested both of them to stay back, as he had something he wanted to discuss. Jeonghan NEVER would have put a conversation before the warm bliss of his bed on a cold winter’s night. So alas, another serious and taxing conversation was coming his way. 

Jisoo, glorious and kind man he was, asked to prepare them some tea before any talking started. He always made sure to take care of both of them when they forgot how to do it themselves. He was a pivotal point to their lives and somehow Seungcheol dreaded the day they shall part ways. 

[Years into the future, when they could look back to this point in their lives with perspective and understanding, Jisoo will still be there besides them.]

[Jeonghan always said, rather teasingly to Jisoo, that he needed a charity case to work on]

[Seungcheol was just glad he chose them]

After the tea was all done and prepared, the three of them sat in comfortable silence on Jeongcheol’s bed - he will always hate Seungkwan and his habit of “ship-naming” the relationships he supported… and still had to ask him what in the world did “Jihancheol” mean - and waited for Jeonghan to start. The devoted christian stole glances towards both of their friends, trying to understand what crisis they were going to face this time, but nothing would have prepared him for what Jeonghan asked next:

“Is it true that you were bad-mouthing Soonyoung-ah tonight?”

Seungcheol didn’t miss a beat answering a big “no”.

“I thought so” he continued “Hao-ah heard you and Jihoon talking and was very upset about it. I know you and Jihoon have this thing where he complains and you just listen, but whatever he said today affected Minghao to the point of tears. What’s going on, Cheollie?”

The oldest just massaged his forehead, frustrated.

“It’s…. Been getting worse. Jihoon’s mood” he answered, helplessly “to anyone else, it might sound as he can’t stand Soonie anymore. He complains about his energy, about his talking… basically anything he does. But every time I ask him if it’s better to just break up, he denies it….”

“We all know Jihoon-ah. He won’t let Soonyoungie go, even if it killed him.” added Jisoo, pensively.

“Yeah but tonight his attitude was enough to send Minghao into Thughao’s realm” retorted Jeonghan, crossing his arms “whatever excuse Jihoon has at this point is just that, an excuse. Minghao told me he heard you both say that Younggie loud, selfish and all that jazz. You don’t talk about someone you love like that. You just don’t” 

“I never said anything about Soonyoung. But yeah, he said things along those lines…” he sighed, trying to arrange his thoughts in somewhat at least coherent “I just don’t know what to do. I listen to what Jihoon’s has to say and I always push him to admit that maybe breaking up is the best option, but whenever I even imply it, he just looks at me like I’m the crazy one”

“That doesn’t mean it’s making them any good” 

“Well, on the other hand, Soonyoung can always break up with him, or not?” asked Jisoo, confused. 

The couple shared a look, and then, in the same beat, denied with their heads.

“Jisoo, my dear, Soonyoung would worship the shit that comes out of Jihoon’s ass”

“Ugh, graphic much, Jeonghan?”

“Just stating the facts!”

“Yeah, but your facts are just gross”

“Ok, ok, people. Let’s focus” interrupted Seungcheol again “I agree with Jeonghan in a level, thought. Soonyoung is really in love with Jihoon.”

“But Cheol, you saw him that day in the Dancing Competition. He was defeated even after winning because Jihoon wasn’t there.” reasoned Jisoo “that’s not love”

“I disagree. It is love, but a really toxic kind” added Jeonghan, letting himself fall back into the mattress, stare intent of the room’s celling. 

“Obsession, whatever. It’s all the same.”

“….. Maybe we should talk to Soonie….” Whispered Seungcheol after a few minutes “we need to know what he feels. I hate that we have to meddle in this, but… I can’t just see my friends destroying each other….”

Jisoo, with a smile, half hugged the oldest male, while playing with the splayed auburn locks of his best friend’s hair

[He wanted to be confident enough to tell them that everything was going to be alright, but deep down inside his gut, he felt that things had to get so much worse first]

 

(Monday, 20:27 P.M.)

After everything was said and done, Soonyoung had made the most heartbreaking choice of his life. He was actually grateful for Seungcheol’s honesty about Jihoon’s complains about him, even if those words were like daggers stabbing his chest. And in twisted satisfaction, he was actually glad the older male felt so awful about not saying something before; he understood the loyalty the other felt for his soon to be ex boyfriend, but he couldn’t help but to feel like a sick joke. One that everyone knew about. 

[“You all knew!! Goddamnit” he sobbed, helplessly, rejecting Jisoo’s effort to be comforting “why didn’t anyone tell me? Why didn’t anyone try to make me understand I was such a burden?? That Jihoon hated me that much?”

He didn’t know if what followed was a silence that meant confirmation, or a silence that hid underlying pity. His pride pushed him to hope for the first one.]

Jisoo reassured him that he wasn’t a joke, nor a source for gossiping, but he had to admit his words fell flat in front of the evidence: the chat groups, the hushed talks, the complaining just a few meters behind his blasted back. Yet, even then, he didn’t blame any of them. He had let himself be the butt end of such drama and had fed it willingly. He couldn’t be honestly mad at anyone, nor even Jihoon at that point. It was all on himself. He didn’t read the signs properly, he deluded himself on empty lies and misplaced patience.

Thankfully, the trio didn’t berate him nor did they treat him like he was just an idiot. Quite the opposite, between Seungcheol comforting hug, Jisoo’s calming back-rubbing and Jeonghan’s almost motivational speech, he was able to confront reality: he and Jihoon were over. They had to be. For both of their sake’s.

[“Soonyoung, you just did the best you could!” Said Jeonghan crouching in front of him, trying to coax his fingers to relax the iron grip they had on his knees “don’t treat yourself like that. It isn’t your fault and never think this is just on you…” he added, cleaning up frustrated tears with his left sleeve “it hurts us to see you suffering this much. This has to stop. You can’t go on trying to hang on to something that is clearly harming you.”

“But how, Hannie? How can I possibly give up?”

“Because you need to love yourself. And you need to heal.”]

Doubt still clouded his mind. Had he made the right choice? How something that was supposed to be right, could hurt so, so much? It was so frightening and yet, he understood that staying was just going to be torture to both of them. It was even funny, the fact that both of them tried so hard to cling to the remnants of a broken relationship had taken them right down the worst path possible. He clung to the suitcase Jeonghan had lent him for this improvised trip. It was actually Jisoo the one who suggested going away for a couple of days, even at Seungcheol’s complaining. Just a short trip, a way to clear his head. 

And yet, his backpack, sports bag and Jeonghan’s suitcase were filled to the brim, carrying the emptied side of what he once called home. 

He now understood why Jihoon never stayed. Confrontation was utterly terrifying.

[A few kilometers south, he remembered that their - no, Jihoon’s now - bathroom’s trash bin was filled to the brim in the rejected notes he didn’t want his ex boyfriend to read.

It was bitter the realization that Jihoon would never care that much about some crumbled papers]

[Even if they were the physical manifestation of his feelings]

 

(Wednesday, 08:30 A.M.) 

Junhui felt like something inside him cracked when he pushed the Studio's door open that day. Somehow not having Soonyoung to do it made the last few days a somber reality. Besides him, a very moody Minghao shuffled inside, eyes down cast and mouth set on a thin line. Both felt that, in a way, they had failed their friend.

 

(Wenesday, 11:02 A.M.)

Chan called Jeonghan three times. When the older finally answered, he requested to have lunch, because they needed to talk bout Soonyoung. And if Jeonghan denied it, he would tell Jisoo about the candid pictures he had of the christian boy inside his office drawer.

Jeonghan even offered to pay for the meal. 

 

(Wednesday, 14:48 P.M.)

Hansol’s favorite fountain pen broke down. It was Seungkwan’s gift for their first anniversary, so he could always think of him when he wrote lyrics. 

That day, the sun was also awfully bright.

 

(Thursday, 15:27 P.M.)

Jihoon had to read and re read the note over and over again to be sure he wasn’t just imagining things. But after making sure he wasn’t hallucinating he sized up and he was sure he forgot how humans breathed normally. He tripped back to their room - yes, their room. It still smelled like such - and almost collapsed into their closet - their's, their's, it had to still be their's. The dust of emptiness clouded his view, or maybe it was the tears that began forming in front of them. 

He collapsed on the floor, suit crumpling underneath his weight. And hugged his knees in a poor attempt to hold himself together. 

Outside, the sun was shining like a love song.


	4. Friendship is the rope that bind us all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When in doubt, trust your friends. And if they are wrong, or at least ignorant, well, you can all go down together.
> 
> Misery has always liked company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm sorry for the slight delay. I've been having issues with my internet connection, but alas, here's the chapter.
> 
> On a side note, and for all youngster out there: even if your friends might mean well, sometimes their constant intervention in your life IS going to make it all harder. Their opinion is important, but always remember that they don't know everything, just as you don't know certain parts that go on in between the scenes I CHOSE to present you here. Always remember to look at the facts YOURSELF and decide for YOURSELF. Only you can piece together the missing parts.
> 
> And now, on to the chapter....

Chapter 4

Friendship is the rope that bind us all

 

Minghao would have wanted to say that the next time he saw Jihoon, he went straight to the older male, grabbed him by the shoulders, and shook his tiny frame in utter frustration. He would have wanted to shout straight to his gremlin of a friend all te chinese cuss words he dominated like he did the choreography for Super Juniors “Devil” Performance - and bathe in the delight knowing Jihoon knew next to nothing about chinese dialects. He wanted to ask the producer why, he wanted to understand and he wanted to see regret in his eyes. And after that, he didn’t know what he wanted, but anything had to be better than this disaster.

But when Jihoon stumbled inside the Studio, sweaty, suit a mess and face contorted in utter terror, he was ashamed to confess he froze right on his tracks and just stared at the tear stricken cheeks of said male. It was a broken picture and suddenly, a tiny part of him doubted he could be mad any longer. Luckily for him, Chan stumbled out of the dressing room, hair wet and face flushed. The younger male wasn’t as socially awkward as his Chinese hyung. 

“And what are you doing here, Jihoon-hyung?” Asked, wary of the producer’s frantic demeanor. 

“Is Soonyoung here? Chan-ah, please tell me he is around…!” Desperation slipping out of his words like unshed tears. Both Minghao and Chan looked at each other, unsure of what to say. The truth could mean Jihoon might do something stupid, but a lie could make anything even more complicated… “Please!!” He begged “I need to know where he is… Minghao…” the chinese man, looking like a deer caught in headlights, felt his mouth going dry “you are his closest friend here. Please… please help me….”

“Help YOU?” retorted Chan, crossing his arms “Jihoon-hyung, I think you need to go back home.”

“Chan-ah. I need to know where Soonie went. I NEED to know.”

“Maybe you could have thought that way three weeks ago… when HE was the one wondering where YOU where” he spat, and Minghao could see the physical reaction it had on the producer’s frame. It was like the air was sucked punched right out of his body, but Chan was relentless in his attack “… and now you want to know where he is, funny how things change, uh?”

“Chan-ah” interrupted Junhui, getting out of the manager’s office “stop it” 

“Junnie…!” Started Jihoon.

“Soonyoung is not here, Jihoon-ah” he answered to the unspoken question “you should ask Jeonghan-hyung, thought. He might know where he is.”

“Jeonghan….? Why in the wo….?” Jihoon’s face contorted and his mouth went slack. He stumbled down to some chairs by the door that served as a waiting room for moms and collapsed into one “that son of a….”

“Hey, calm down” Junhui sat down besides him, while Minghao concentrated on the students that where coming in. He wanted to say something, but he knew better than to make an scene in front of his prepubescent Hip hop students. And he trusted Jun to take care of the matter at hand. Giving Chan the receptionist’s chair, he disappeared inside the dance room. 

 

Seungkwan lived for drama. He absolutely loved gossiping and people watching at the speciality coffee shop he worked at. He could hear the most outrageous break ups and get togethers, and on Thursdays nights, his boss allowed him to sing ballads for the patrons. He couldn’t complain too much about his current working place, even if the shifts were long and he couldn’t spend as much time with Hansol during the week. He sometimes envied Jun and Hao.

[“Don’t envy us that much, I sometimes don’t want to see his ugly mug all the time” had pointed Minghao once, while sipping on a beer.

“You love me, you Kermit-nerd” was Jun’s answer.]

Another perk about working at Love&Letter cafe was that his friends regularly came in and chatted while getting their daily coffee fix. He loved when Mingyu and Wonwoo - Meanie, as he called them in his romantic shipper mind - came bickering about everything and anything and actually asked for his opinion on the discussion, just to be dismissed because, of course, he was Seungkwan. Even if such description should offend him, it was actually very amusing. He knew it all came from a place of love and friendly banter. And also, it was a great place for his down in the blues to come and accept Seungkwan’s special coffee and sympathetic ear. Hansol told him he acted more like a bartender, not a barista, but in the end, well made coffee made people happy, and he was also happy to contribute to that happiness, even for a bit. 

[“if you don’t like my answers, why do you always ask?” Had once asked a very annoyed Seungkwan after a very grueling shift, after far too many rude costumers, and after one to many pointed looks from his very drained boss.

“Well, because you are you….” Had offered Mingyu, unhelpfully.

“Wow, I didn’t know that”

“Well, that’s enough reason to need your insight. You are you and we want you to tell us what you think. Ten out of ten times it ends the discussion by the utter Seungkwan-ness of the argument” answered Wonwoo, with a smug smile.]

[Seungkwan didn’t regret the last pointed look his boss gave him for throwing a dirty rag straight into the editor’s face.]

[He was forced to take another break after that.]

What he didn’t expect that Thursday was Junhui, in all his bleached hair glory, coming in with a very dazed Jihoon. Immediately, he was on high alert. After everything that went down with him and Soonyoung the last few weeks, he didn’t know how to react with the former pixie-haired guy. He was first and foremost the dancer’s high school friend; and yet, he felt for the producer, with his dark eyes irritated and defeated presence. 

Junhui, the sweet and kind guy he was, sat Jihoon in a rather hidden corner of the shop, with full view of the street and far away of the afternoon nonnas that like to gossip about their latests love affair, and went straight to the counter. 

“One medium…-“

“Unsweetened coffee” interrupted Seungkwan “and for Jihoon there… maybe a latte?”

Junhui was quick to deny it. 

“No, the last thing Hoonnie needs right now is coffee…”

“Then Barley Tea. He looks like death. What’s going on Junnie?”

“Soonyoung left their apartment… It was supposed to be just for a few days…”

“Yeah, Jisoo told me when he came in yesterday… it went badly, then?”

“Worst than bad. Soonyoung took everything he owned according to Jihoon.”

“What?” 

“Yeah. He left just a note behind”

Seungkwan tried not to let his feelings get in the way of preparing something decent, but he could feel the pit of dread pooling with concern inside his gut. Soonyoung would never leave without saying something. Anything. Just…. Anything. And yet, if what Jun said was correct…

“I’ll call him after work” promised Seungkwan after a while. Jun gave a grim nod.

“Thanks. Jeonghan-hyung and Seugncheol-hyung are on it too…”

“Well, I have his parent’s home phone number” that seemed to ease some of the tension on Jun’s shoulders “hey, calm down. I know this is a new level of abysmal for us, but I’m sure Soonyoung just panicked and acted without thinking. His sister or mom might know where he is…” 

Jun gave him a strained smile that Seungkwan made his best to reciprocate. 

 

“I’m going to maul him” deadpanned Jeonghan, falling straight into the bed with his shoes and belt still on. 

“Mauling him would go against everything we are trying to do, Hannie” answered Jisoo while strumming his guitar, far to anxiously to be completely pleasant.

“We told him to go away! And he pays us by completely moving away and not picking up his blasted phone” argued the formerly long haired man. 

“He’ll come around when he figures his problems out. If he isn’t ready, it will only make everything worse”

“Hoonnie sounded dead on the phone, Jisoo. Like his soul was taken out straight out of his body and shoved into a blender”

“……… I’ll never understand how your analogies make any sense, my dear”

“Jisoo, I’m trying to be serious here! Seungcheol’s going to spend the night down at Hoonies and Soonyoung is MIA and our friend-group might divide into support groups and…. And maybe it’s all our fault you know? Like, trying to help, we made everything worse?”

Jisoo put his guitar down and sat besides Jeonghan thin frame, patting his head comfortingly. 

“Everything’s going to be alright, Hannie. He need to have faith in them. In their ability to understand themselves and each other. We need to have faith in the strength our group has built during the years. We are stronger than this, we all are….”

Jeonghan looked into Jisoo’s eyes and gave his roommate a pretty smile, loving and full of hope.

“If I didn’t know you, I’ll think that’s just some christian mumbo jumbo”

 

Minghao didn’t know what to think when on Saturday morning his phone rang once with the characteristic sound he has reserved for his coworkers. He was inclined to think it was Jun asking him to go and buy some milk from the bathroom, the lazy fucker. Or maybe it was Chan trying to update him on Seungkwan’s efforts to find Soonyoung via his family.

What he wasn’t expecting was Hurricane’s owner himself to send him a message.

Hoshi-hyung  
Hey Hao. Hyd?

And…..Of course, that hamster son of a bitch was trying to be nonchalant. 

The∞  
Where the fuck are you?

…No one could blame him for being blunt, could they?

Hoshi-hyung  
Straight to the point as always. Namyangju. 

The∞  
Kwannie has been calling to ur house and nothing came of it.

Hoshi-hyung  
Well of course. I asked my mum not to say shit. 

The∞  
U know Im going to kick ur ass w/ u get home, rite?

More like hug the living day lights out of him, but yeah, he needed to be somewhat intimidating at that point in time.

Hoshi-hyung  
Look, I just texted to let u know Im fine. I need to clear my head and couldn’t leave my shit in the apartment. 

The∞  
Y not? You always can count on us!!

Hoshi-hyung  
Cause I realized this is something I have to figure it out on my own.

Hoshi-hyung  
Cause I cant have you all like crows over my back on this.

Hoshi-hyung  
Cause if I see him again Ill want to go back 2 him. 

Hoshi-hyung  
Cause even if this hurts like hell, I still love him the same.

Well shit. What was he supposed to say about that?

 

A few days later, on Monday, to be exact, Seungkwan was again at the coffee shop, trying to get caught up on some youtuber’s drama and enjoying his boyfriend sending him cheeky glances from his usual seat next to the cashier, when Lee Jihoon came inside. Face gloom and under eye bags more prominent than his usually horrid ones, some old ripped jeans and a grey sweatshirt under a thick black coat. It was a sight, that’s for sure. Hansol also noticed the half zombie stare he had while looking at the menu. 

“Jihoon-hyung, hi. Do you want your usual cappuccino?” Asked the barista while trying to get his boyfriend to get closer, but as always, Choi Hansol was in a faraway land inside his mind, trying to make sense of what his eyes saw around him. 

“Eh….” Was the oh so eloquent answer. Some how, If the circumstances weren’t so dire, he’ll love to tease the older male about his half dead state. 

“Earth to Jihoon-hyung? Coffee?”

“Oh, yes. Coffee…” his eyes seemed to refocus on the land of the living for a few seconds “A large Americano, unsweetened. Thanks Seungkwan…”

Looking over his shoulder, making sure his boss wasn’t around, he grabbed the producer’s hand and halted him. 

“Hey, we need to talk. Sit down by my oblivious boyfriend and I’ll see if I can get my break earlier.”

“Seungkwan I….”

“No. This is about Soonyoung. And I know something.”

That seemed to pick Jihoon’s attention right away, and obediently stepped right besides the amateur rapper, who smiled down at his beaten up hyung.

“Hey. How are you feeling?”

Jihoon gave him an unamused stare.

“Like I fucked up everything good about my life, and you?” He deadpanned.

“Well, if you can be somewhat ironic, it means there’s hope. And I’m good. Concerned about you and Hoshi-hyung, but good.”

“Well, that makes us both Vernon…” he sighed, grim “that makes both of us….”

“Look, I know you don’t want to hear this but….”

“Let me stop you right there. You are right. I don’t want to hear a thing, but I’m desperate enough to reach out to anyone I know for help, but not opinions. Opinions got me here.”

That seemed to baffle Hansol more than anything. In the background, he could hear Seungkwan negotiating his earlier break in exchange for an exciting evening of inventory arrangement. That of course meant he was going to help Seungkwan while he complained because he tried to join in as many work activities his boyfriend was because he was supportive and-

And he was going way off track. Refocusing his attention on Jihoon, he could se the lost stare the older had on some random spot in the counter. 

“Look. I know this is all way too confusing, but we want to help.”

“The nosy trio tried to help and that made Soonyoung go who knows where. Breaking up with me… You guys are always trying to intervine and interpret anything that happens with your own lens!” Hansol knew he was holding back a broke sob, but he chose not to point it out "You don't know how much I... how much we...."

“Well, that’s because we only heard and saw the negative parts. You can’t blame us dude.”

“I can and I will. You guys knew shit of my relationship with Soonyoung” he growled, growing anger like weed in the shell of his pain. 

“Dude, can you be les…-“

“Sorry for the delay! One large cappuccino and strawberry shortcake on the house!” Said Seungkwan in a hurried voice, sitting right besides Jihoon. Both musicians startled quite badly, more because Seungkwan could be as loud as a rhino and neither noticed him coming their way.

“Thanks….” Mumbled Jihoon.

Seungkwan opened his mouth, but for a fraction of a second gave Hansol a look. It was afraid, but also very hopeful. 

“I know where Soonyoung is. And before you ask, no. I’m not going to tell you. I need to understand your point of view first, Jihoon-hyung. Because, even if you can’t believe me right now… Jihancheol-hyungs made the right call FOR SOONYOUNG at the moment. But if dramas have ever taught me anything, is that a relationship is not really over till both people understand what happened and what went wrong. So, before you go all grumpy and grouchy on us, we need you to be open, because that might be the only way we can get Soonie back to you.”

The pause and silence were deafening again, but Jihoon mused all his musical senses left in the same backpack Soonyoung took with him, right along his heart.


	5. The Weight of a Teardrop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get an insight into Soonyoung's feelings. 
> 
> In Seoul, Hansol and Wonwoo discuss very important matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> You don't know how happy the overall support of this project makes me.
> 
> I hope you can keep on enjoying this fic till the end :)

Chapter 5 

The Weight of a Teardrop

 

One of the best things about being in his parents house was, definitely, being able to take everyday public transportation and walk among the beauty that was The Garden of Morning Calm. Even if he was attending high school in Seoul in his teens, he always made sure to go back home and enjoy the tranquil overwhelming feeling the park provided. February wasn’t the flower-filled time of the year in which the lakes and trees were filled with color and life, but Soonyoung had to admit, the somber quietness the leafless trees and frozen lakes matched his mood almost to the last edge. Most of all, it was serene. Don’t get him wrong, he absolutely adored his sister and her children, but spending every waking hour entertaining his 3 year old nephew and looking after the 8 month old toddler - not to ignore that both children were far too perceptive of his mood and were ready to cry even the second he stopped and thought of soft guitar strums and shy kisses - was not something he looked forward when he, in reality, wanted to be sad a bit longer. The park, albeit far away, gave him the time and solitude he needed to put on his earphones and stroll around, bathing in his misery.

Ok, maybe that’s going a bit too far. But he couldn’t deny the way his heart ached every time he looked a certain way and remembered of better, happier times.

[“Look Hoonie! There’s ducks around!” Had once shouted a very excited Soonyoung, running towards the edge of a very sparkly lake. Jihoon, a content smile, strolled with paused tranquility, breathing in the beauty and harmony of nature around him.

“Watch out, Soonie” he warned without any bite. At first he was anxious about visiting his boyfriends family. He knew his own family had issues knowing he was in a relationship with a male, and were not ready yet to come around accepting them for holidays or family meetings. Soonyoung’s on the other hand, was, albeit reluctant, accepting and welcoming to the producer. It’s not like Soonyoung’s father was happy his son chose a man over continuing the family’s name down the line, but well, his son also chose to be a dancer. It wasn’t like he didn’t knew it was going to be somewhat like that for his family. Soonyoung’s mother called him an old-fashioned oaf and the matter had surprisingly settled there, with his sister’s first born son playing on Jihoon’s lap and Soonyoung crowding his personal space, his head on his shoulder. 

“Come ooooooooooon!!” the older pressed, bringing him back to the cheerful chime and soft rustling of the leaves the present provided. His boyfriend was moving his arms the fastest away from his body he was able too “come here and join me!”

And Jihoon’s smile only grew wider. This was what happiness was made of.]

Now, he welcomed the loneliness. It gave him space to think and understand himself. Or rather, understand how he, in a way, drove everything down hill. Jeonghan was very adamant in pointing out that every relationship was a two way road that had to necessarily meet in the middle to work out. And yet, looking back, his own responsibility in the failure ate away his soul. It was primarily how Soonyoung had taken Jihoon’s confort zone and transformed in their confort zone. In a way, he had pressed his boyfriend to join him in every little activity of little to no relevance and expected him to deliver his wholesome attention to everything they did together. He thought he wasn’t pushy or overly touchy, both circumstances that Jihoon was emphatic in his dislike, nor that he was lacking empathy or wasn’t being supportive of what he thought were his boyfriend’s needs. Maybe that was the overall key point: what he thought. Maybe he had missed the beat one too many times and that was enough to push Hoonie over the ledge. And maybe it didn’t help that when Jihoon got short or equally moody with him, his only choice was to stay silent and wait the downpour inside his own mind. He wasn’t a particularly confrontational person, but he was moody and he changed his mind far too fast and far too often for someone like Jihoon to keep up. He knew deep down that if Jihoon found him annoying and a chore, it was because he in fact was one. The only difference now from then, was that at least back then he was interesting, he thought he could help his beloved partner grew out of his shell and become the amazing and confident person Lee Jihoon deserved to be. 

[Hugging Jihoon when he was feeling down and unsure was maybe the best part about comforting him. Usually, touching was reserved for very specific situations, but when stress was high and tension ran wild, the musician allowed his boyfriend to pet his colored hair and kiss him al over his face. Every kiss was like a promise that he was good enough, that he was worth his success. Jihoon’s impostor syndrome was usually loud and high pitched, but Soonyoung’s soothing baritone kept him grounded, kept him safe. And even if Jihoon acted out and got vicious and angry, Soonyoung kept on petting him and kissing him till all the frustration drained away from his body and could lay down together in bed, praying for a better tomorrow.]

[Thinking back, maybe he needed to ask what was wrong instead of assuming]

[Maybe that’s why Jihoon preferred Seungcheol]

Hugging himself away from the bitter cold, Soonyoung kept walking with his head down and a song trying to keep his heart beating. 

[Who was he kidding, the only one capable of such feat was back in Seoul.]

 

The cafe wasn’t the best place to have deep, insightful conversations, but Hansol couldn’t be bothered to look for another place when Seungkwan worked there most days and he was going to greet him on his shifts anyways. That’s why he accepted Wonwoo’s sarcastic remarks about the hipster decor and overpriced coffee with ease, while he stared at his boyfriend greet a bunch of regulars back in the counter.

“…. and again, you are not listening to me.” hissed the sharp-featured editor, flicking his forehead without mercy.

“Ouch! Hey!” He complained “ok, yeah, I wasn’t listening to you, but you were complaining gratuitously! I don’t have time for that…”

“Wow, look who bought a dictionary” deadpanned his friend, dryly. 

“Don’t be a dick. We are here to share our insight on more pressing matters” argued Hansol, but again realized he had given the other material to tease him. 

“Aww” cooed Wonwoo “Look at you, using grown-up words. Next thing I know is that you will be coming for my job!”

“Fuck you” Hansol whined “let’s focus! I need your opinion!!”

The older male grunted, crossing his arms uncomfortably while sinking on his chair. 

“What do you want me to say? Soonyoung and Jihoon sank down together into their mess a long time ago. Neither of them wanted to talk to anyone and actually listen to suggestions, and now are being big drama queens about anything concerning the other” was his answer, after a long gulp of his americano.

“Well, we…” he made a gesture towards Seungkwan “… talked to Jihoon a few days ago. He was a mess. But he said something that got me thinking…”

“That’s new”

“Shut up” he grunted on the same beat, and didn’t let the other complain about him being rude to his hyung “the thing is… Jihoon-hyung said that listening to other people opinions was what pushed them into this mess. But I don’t remember any of us saying ANYTHING to them about how toxic they were… or not to the extent to he implied”

That got Wonwoo thinking, trying to remember if he ever told Jihoon something negative or made an improper question. He came empty handed. 

“I just remember thinking and saying that they were cool together” continued Hansol “And they were! I’ve never seen Hoshi-hyung happier than the times he was by Jihoon-hyung. Nor have I ever seen Jihoon-hyung as content as he was by Hoshi-hyung. Even if I knew they were crappy to each other the last few months, I’ve always thought they were amazing together.”

Wonwoo agreed wholeheartedly with that statement. Maybe that’s why this thing between them got everyone so anxious. It was unexpectedly unexpected; they all knew something was very wrong, and yet everyone thought that they could get over it. That they could be the power couple. And everything fit into place in his mind.

“…… Maybe that’s the thing”

“What thing?”

“The issue!” exclaimed Wonwoo “we ALWAYS talked about how we thought they were really good to each other and praised them. Hell, Seungkwan and Mingyu couldn’t agree between Wooshi of Hoozi as their ship name…” he explained rapidly “I still remember the dirty joke Jeonghan-hyung made about that. Anyways, maybe the pressure of being always good to each other…”

“I think I get it. But that doesn’t mean our “opinions” pushed them over the edge…”

“Yeah, but Soonyoung and Jihoon are inherently perfectionists in their craft. They won’t accept anything but a hundred percent about anything they put effort on. Imagine having to be perfect for Seungkwan in every aspect of his life. Just for a moment imagine how stupidly impossible that task is.” 

Hansol closed his mouth and his eyes wondered straight to his boyfriend and glued his eyes on his frame. Wonwoo continued.

“Jihoon has always been terrified of hurting anyone, and Soonyoung has always been far too giving. That’s a receipt for disaster”

Hansol frowned.

“And that gave Jihoon-hyung the right to go to Coups-hyung and talk shit about Hoshi-hyung?”

“No. It didn’t. But we all knew he’s the most comfortable when talking to Seungcheol” 

“Yeah but… we all knew Jihoon-hyung sometimes felt Hoshi-hyung was annoying. We all heard that, from his OWN mouth, at one point or another. But he NEVER told that to him. He focused far too much in sharing his feelings with anyone but Hoshi-hyung.”

“That’s exactly why I say Jihoon’s terrified of hurting anyone, and specially Soonyoung. He treats Soonyoung as a sort of muse…”

Hansol hummed, drinking his last sip of coffee and looking out the window.

“I think both of them would have chosen the pain of talking their issues through as they came, rather than this mess…”

Wonwoo joined his friend in people watching, agreeing in silence. 

 

[Thursday, 07:48 P.M] 

Jun had dropped Jihoon at Jihancheol’s apartment after their coffee - or tea, in Jihoon’s case - run. He could see the anger building up inside the producer as he shared everything he knew of the last few days; it was like every mention about the trio added a layer into Jihoon’s already bad mood, and he could only wonder what was going on inside his big head. But he also didn’t want to pry. If he opened the dam, maybe he wouldn’t be able to close it up again. He wasn’t confident enough on his feelings for the shorter male to not confront him on anything he could say about Soonyoung. So, the older trio had to deal with it. 

[He left the front of the apartment a little more concerned and a little more sad.]

Inside, Jihoon was awfully quiet. He sat on the couch, closed off to any proposition or offer either Jeonghan or Seungcheol gave him - Jisoo was still at a church meeting, so the couple had to deal with this alone. After a while, both opted for dragging the dining area chairs to be straight in front of the younger male. With a last shared look, Jeonghan pressed his lips on a tight line and pushed Seungcheol to say anything. But of course, the older had to put his foot on his mouth right away. 

“Look Jihoon. You knew this was going to happen sooner or later…”

Ugh, why was he such a tactless oaf?

“‘Sooner or later’? ‘Sooner or LATER’?” Repeated Jihoon, his voice high pitched and broken “The only one who thinks like that is YOU, Cheol. YOU were always pressing me to break up with him and when THAT didn’t work, you run straight to him BEHIND MY BACK??? When I’m not there to fix your fucking stunt?????”

“Jihoon, calm down….”  
“NO!” He shouted, his hands tight, fisting his pants till his knuckles went pale “Soonyoung left!!! HE LEFT!” He added, a broken sob in the back of his throat “He took all his stuff with him and left me this” his hand, his little trembling hand tossed the crumpled paper on the floor and went straight to his face rubbing it violently.

Jeonghan made the move to grab the paper and read it. ‘I can’t do this anymore. Goodbye Jihoon-ah’ it read, and somehow the tear stains on the shitty note made it all more heartbreaking. Seungcheol felt his own eyes sting, as he watched his friend crumbled right in front of him.

Licking his lips, Jeonghan tentatively said:

“Look, Jihoon… it wasn’t just Cheollie… Minghao-ah heard you talk about Soonyoung… on Hansol’s birthday…”

The sudden movement of Jihoon’s head had to hurt. It was like it snapped up, tense and in the verge of breaking, all the veins on his forehead red and inflamed. 

“W-what?” He asked, his voice small.

“He heard you talking about how annoying Soonie is…” he felt Seungcheol giving him a warning pat on his knee, but he chose to push forward, eyes trained on Jihoon’s face “in the kitchen. He was very affected. He was this close to beating you to a pulp…”

“Of course…” spat Jihoon, rubbing his tears away with more force than needed “that chinese motherfucker had his eyes on Soonyoung for years…. Of course he would take any chance to-“

“Ok, stop right there” warned Seungcheol “you KNOW that is not true. Stop right there before you say anything else you will regret”

Jihoon cringed at the stern tone on Seungcheol’s warning and deflated into the couch, his forearm over his eyes, trying to control his breathing.

“Cheol, why did you tell Soonyoung? Why?” He asked, his broken voice filled with unseen tears.

“I did it, Jihoon” answered Jeonghan before his boyfriend could start to apologize “I pressed” he added “even if you think that the way you complain about him is ok, it really isn’t. That’s not the way you talk about someone you love”

“And what do YOU know?” Attacked back Jihoon, the tendon’s on his neck clenching as his teeth pressed against each other.

“Because I told him” said Seungcheol “and before you argue, he IS right. I know you did it to vent, but… I already told you, Hoonie… it’s like you don’t hear yourself…”

A sob broke in Jihoon’s throat and he trembled, his whole body trying to stop the upcoming hysterics. Jeonghan held Seungcheol’s hand before he could even think on going close to Jihoon to confort him. He couldn’t do it, not yet. 

“Why did you tell him. Why… why?"

“Jihoon-ah…” Jeonghan pressed, his voice soft “stop blaming anyone else. This is between you and Soonyoung-ah. He is going to come back when he is ready and you’ll be able to talk this through for once and for all. Even if it means to break up for good. But you owe him truthfulness. You owe him.”

“I love him, Hannie. I love him…” he muttered, sobbing and trembling like a leaf “why? I tried so hard. I did my best and… why did he leave? He took everything he owned. Clothes, shoes, that stupid Shinee stand we had in the living room. He took everything. He left and he is not coming back, is he?”

The couple shared a concerned look. They told Soonyoung to leave for a few days.

Not to leave altogether. 

 

Jihoon had to go back to work. He didn’t want to, but he had to do something, anything to focus his mind and keep him occupied for now. It wasn’t like he could go on a road trip looking for Soonyoung and make an scene on the olders parent’s home. He respected the Kwon’s more than that. He respected Soonyoung more than that.

[“If your family struggles to come around, Jihoon-ah, then be sure you’ll always have a home back here!” Had once said aunty Kwon to him while her children bickered in the kitchen “Even if you come alone, you will be greeted with love here”

Jihoon didn’t deserve that kind of compassion, but he could believe he did just for a while.]

So he got back to work, making sure to be back home as soon as he could, not wanting to miss meeting his beloved if he chose to come back. He also made sure to go to the coffee shop regularly, to see if Seungkwan had any other updates on his boyfriend status. Former boyfriend status. Even the thought struck his heart right where it hurt. He knew he was putting the younger singer on a very tight spot there, but he couldn’t care less if it meant to have a chance on getting Soonyoung back. 

So, at lunch, he avoided Seungcheol and went straight to the coffee shop. It was a rather long walk from his job, but it would be worth it in the end, he told himself. And if not, he could admire the horrid decoration and take inspiration from the chit-chatter of the regulars. Luckily for him, he hadn’t meet with any other of Soonyoung’s close friends at the shop till then; the confrontation that it might bring had him absolutely petrified and he chose silencing their shared group chats, just in case it got ugly. 

That day, Seungkwan greeted him with a smile and a hot cup of coffee - americano, two sugars -, a strawberry cake and a very stiff Seokmin. 

Luck was not on his side, was it?

“Hey…” did eventually say the actor, fast and small.

“Hey Seokmin….” He replied, voice equally as hushed and ashamed. 

Silence sat between them, and the elephant in the room grew wider and thicker as the minutes ticked off the clock. Somehow, it felt like if any of them said anything, they could step into a very rocky terrain. It wasn’t as terrifying as talking to Minghao, mind you, that would be just the worst, but Seokmin came as a close second. While Seungkwan could be overly emotional, he shared everything and was rather blunt, presenting his facts as soon as the conversation started. It was easier to clear up the air with him. Seokmin on the other hand was a sunshine and sunflowers child. Bright, cheerful and loving, but was quiet and had a tendency to avoid himself of inspiring any confrontation. And with Jihoon’s panic in full blown mood, the awkwardness and tension was palpable in the aire. 

“Oh come ON” groaned Seungkwan as he came back “Can you be any more awkward??? Come on, Seokmin. I know you are not angry at Jihoon, so stop pouting.”

That confused Jihoon. How could he NOT be angry?

The tall man let out a nervous laugh and shrugged.

“Sorry….” He sighed deeply and continued “Kwannie’s right, you know. I don’t truly blame you. I’m sad, but I don’t think you are an evil overlord who purposely broke Soonie’s heart”

“Wow, that’s a way of being upfront” Seungkwan joked, giving his friend a last pat on the shoulder before going back to work. 

After choosing his words very carefully, Jihoon replied.

“Thank you. That means a lot… and… for what’s worth… I want to right all the wrongs, if I’m able… if I’m allowed to do so…”

Seokmin’s smile grew brighter.

“Yeah, that would be cool… but no pressure, Hoonie…. “ he sighed deeply “Soonie was really hurt that Sunday, you know?”

Jihoon held his head low and agreed in a silent nod. 

“But… he said that what hurts him the most was knowing you weren’t going to be home afterwards… not the fight itself…”

Jihoon took deep breaths, trying to collect himself before going on a crying roller coaster again.

“So, my point is… I don’t think it was something you did that pushed Soonie to go away, it was what you didn’t do. So, you just have to do that and everything might go back to be great again!”

Bless Seokmin and his optimistic outlook in life. Jihoon didn’t deserve his presence at that moment. 

“Thanks, Seokmin. I mean it”

Silence grew between them once again, but it was lighter, less suffocating. That allowed Jihoon to eat at least a few pieces of his cake without feeling nauseous right away.

“Hey Hoonie….” Started the singer again “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“I know you are a good dancer… Well… Soonyoung always boasted about it… and… I have this audition coming up…. Soonyoung had promised to help me out on it, but right now I don’t know what’s going to happen. The guys down at the Studio are really busy covering for him right now and I’m actually afraid of asking Chan for help…” another nervous laugh came up his mouth “Would you, perhaps, help me out….?”

Jihoon held the shy stare of his ex boyfriend’s childhood friend for a long and then, with a tiny smile he replied:

“Of course, it would be my pleasure.”

 

Mingyu crossed his arms, amused, while he took in the image in front of his eyes.  
“Are you sure you just need that back pack? Half of it is just games, Wonu!”

The older male grunted and gifted him a glare.

“I don’t need anything else to drag that stupid hamster back home”

“Ok, ok…. I don’t know why you told Hao to stay put. He is so angry he might work his students to death right now”

“Minghao would cry like a baby if he saw Soonyoung right now. That’s why I’m going alone too. You would pamper and feed him. What this whole mess needs right now is a bit of well placed ear pulling…”

Mingyu could just smirk again, laughing at Wonwoo trying to lift his overly packed backpack over his bony shoulders.

[Once a long time ago, Wonwoo had done the same with a very anxious Soonyoung trying to ask Jihoon to move in with him]

[He hoped for his success once more]

[They needed a ray of hope]


	6. Loose Footing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soonyoung comes back.
> 
> Jihoon learns he has to wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! 
> 
> Sorry about the delay, but I have my reasons...
> 
> A tidbit about me:
> 
> I'm a college professor - yeah, shocking right? - who also studies for my masters in a second-to-third rated country. Writing has always been my outlet, to both frustrations and happiness, but I have never dabbled in writing on another language before, so I chose this medium - fan fictions - so I could practice my English writing skills. But, as a professor, my responsibilities some times pile up, with grading papers - yes, I'm that kind of professor, who gives out surprise papers for extra credit, sue me - researching for class or interacting with students. I'm also part of the exchange program in the uni that I work at, so I take care of foreign students and deal with their crap (last week, we had a 20 year old American boy going to class so fucking intoxicated that it left a ton of paperwork to fill with his alma mater, confirming that yeah, here people can drink legally since they are 18, so most Americans go bananas with cheap alcohol and parties).
> 
> Well, I hope you enjoy this chapter. I tried no to rush it, but I'm not confident in it's quality.
> 
> Have a nice reading!

Chapter 6

Loose Footing 

Junhui had gotten accustomed to his newly found routine of opening up and setting the studio ready for the day. It was almost eerie the how easy it was for him to fill the administrative emptiness that Soonyoung left; yet at the same time, both the employees and students alike felt the void getting wider with every class their beloved main dancer missed. It wasn’t like they didn’t try to keep it as cheerful and energetic, but there was this something amiss nonetheless. Either way, opening the studio was by far the weirdest part for his psiquis, specially because he had been hearing that greeting since his first year in Korea. He really needed his college friend’s “Good Morning Junnie!” coming from inside the managers office, with a overly caffeinated Soonyoung going on about something or another while Minghao dropped his upper body weight on the shorter’s male frame, almost cuddling him in a sleepy attempt of friendly skin ship. Even if that happened really a week ago, that was already far longer than he had even endured without hearing from their best friend. 

That morning, chilly as the came in early march, but with the promise of the sun creeping behind the building, something caught his attention right away: the welcoming rug in front of the main door was already placed right where it belonged. Trying to figure out if he had forgotten to pick it up last night was something his sleep-deprived brain couldn’t really compute, Minghao had frozen in place and looked straight ahead. There were no betraying lights, nor any sights of a break in, but the rug… Then it clicked inside of Junhui’s head and he took a step forward, opening the door with cautious speed. The steel bells clang and they never had sounded so sharp and loud, but alas, anyone inside could, and should have heard the tell telling sound of someone coming in. Minghao made his way inside with trepidation, almost clumsy in the way his feet moved, and looked around anxiously, and, no one second later…

“Good Morning Junnie! I was looking through this factures and I think w-…” 

“Oh my god!” Exclaimed Junhui, closing the door behind him and going inside with the same clumsy steps as his boyfriend, who already was all over their hamster of a leader, bags falling onto the floor with a loud ‘thud’. 

“You asshole! “Good Morning Junnie” is ALL you ca say??? Really???” Reprimanded Minghao, without any real bite in his words as he hugged the shorter male with all the strength his arms could muster, clinging to him for dear life.

“Dude, Hao… cho—-king?” Blurted out the other one, giving the younger chinese member an affectionate side pinch. Minghao immediately let him go with a squeak and Junhui saw his opportunity to go up to them and hug Soonyoung with less force. He laughed, albeit nervously. He haven’t noticed how much he missed hugging their leader before that very second, not just the common greet.

“Glad to see you back, Soonie” he admitted letting go after two simultaneous back pats from each other. Both held each others gaze and smiled, and Junhui actually believed Soonyoung was happy to see them, for the first time in a while. 

“You look… healthy” supplied Minghao lamely yet vaguely surprised, looking his friend over from head to toe, trying to find something wrong. But everything was, or at least looked, fine. He looked better than the days prior to the whole Hansol’s birthday fiasco.

“Yeah well, my sister is in full-blown mommy mode with my youngest niece and apparently I fit into the toddler category. She fed me till my stomach went round!” He explained, cheerfully “She says hi, by the way. Asking when you two are going to go over to meet Suhye.”

Even if Soonyoung was having a seemingly normal conversation, Minghao was pouting, and that could Junhui understand. It was pretty understandable, really; Soonyoung was avoiding any kind of remarks or questions about the past weeks by talking about his family. He usually used such techniques: he filled the silence with so much chit chatting that you never could break through the walls he built around himself and actually press for real, meaningful answers. While it was refreshing to know some things truly never change, even if those things are self destructing habits, it was frustrating that the choreographer avoided talking about hard shit even to that extent. They had to talk about the matter at hand and try to figure out what to do from that point on, whether Soonyoung liked it or not. It wasn’t like the issues at hand were resolved just by his return to Seoul and .

“So, care to explain what happened?” Interrupted Junhui, looking down on his coworker, trying not to sound reprimanding “we deserve something better than just a greeting”. 

Soonyoung held his breath a few seconds, before exhaling rather shakily and smiled.

“Look, Junnie… Chan’s coming in any second…-!

“Stop it!!” Interrupted Minghao, agitated, and grabbed Soonyoung’s arm, squeezing it as gently as he could “please, don’t shut us out. Not now. You don’t know how WORRIED we were!” 

Jun put a hand on Minghao’s shoulder, trying to make him stand back a bit and giving their uncomfortable “boss” a bit of space, but his boyfriend was relentless in his pursuit. Then, he opten for playing the good cop. 

“Please, Sonnie. We need to know. We need to know how to help…” 

Soonyoung all but collapsed against Minghao, closing his eyes and smiling bitterly, it was like the whole facade melted into his features and just left weariness behind. 

“Well… I’ll be staying here from now on. In the studio I mean. At least till I figure out what to do in the long term…” he started, unsure “… right now I don’t even know where to start, but I wasn’t going to abandon everything and run away to Japan or something. I’m not that much of an asshole…“

“Yeah, I would have set Thughao loose on you if you had really ran away…” tried to joke Junhui, while Minghao gave him a nasty eye from straight over Soonyoung’s shoulder “but seriously. How are you going to go about this? Are you really…. Leaving Jihoon-ah for good? Are you really going to sleep here? There’s not much to get by, you know? It won’t be healthy…”

He could see Soonyoung physically flinch and sigh, like he was trying to shake his own insecurities away. From behind him, he heard Chan going inside, in complete silence. He had to have seen them from behind the glass and chose when to step inside. His steps were soft and calculated, like he didn’t want to interrupt what was going on. 

“I… I don’t know yet… I… I… I want to believe that everything can at least be arranged into an amicable parting but.. but… I want to think me and Jihoon… “ he gulped, softly, and both Chan and Jun got closer, the new comer dropping his bags on the floor without much thought “I just need more time. But… Wonu-ah helped me realize that I also love my life here. I love my life and I love you guys…” he finished, a little shy smile creeping up his lips, hesitant and soft “I don’t want to be a dick to you guys anymore. You don’t deserve this…”

“Well, you could start from buying all of us coffee from “Love&Letter” and some candy… that’s a conversation starter!” provided their maknae, giving his hyungs a cheeky smile, while crossing his arms in a stand that screamed “sassy” from the back row. 

“Yah! You think I have that much money, cheeky brat?!” Soonyoung exclaimed, jumping over their youngest member and rubbed his cheeks all over the others head. 

 

Even if he had wanted to stay back at Hurricane and have lunch with his coworkers and ask the important questions about the week he missed, Soonyoung had actually other plans that day. So he excused himself and walked down to Love&Letter with heavy steps, trying not to seem too paranoid, but actually alert if his ex boyfriend was around. It wasn’t like he wanted to avoid Jihoon forever but the moment wasn’t exactly right. He went into the cafe and not a second later, he heard the muffled scream from one of his favorite friends.

“Soonyoung-hyuung!! Soonie, you are back!” Exclaimed Seungkwan from behind the counter. To his left, his boss gave a resigned hiss and shoved the overly excited barista softly. The younger one just sighed and gave a Soonyoung THE look. The one that said “this isn’t over, dear. You will be dealt with when my boss ain’t looking”. He actually thought that he would have missed that look if Wonwoo haven’t gone all the way back to his parents house and dragged his sorry ass out of self-pity-land. Thanking again his foul mouthed, aggressively unexpressive friend in his mind,…

[Somewhere, a few blocks away, a young man sneezed over a novel draft he was proof reading.]

… he ordered a coffee and a cheesecake and looked around for Hansol. Thankfully, the rapper wasn’t around so he could have some time to himself before his “”date”” arrived. And because heaven was gracious that day, Seungkwan acted like a fast barista that actually could brew coffee at a pace that got the line going. That also meant that they couldn’t really interact, and Soonyoung actually was glad that they had to wait to after his meeting. He looked around for his spot, but bitterly reminded himself that it wasn’t just his spot, but theirs. Trying to get out of that mind set, he settled at a small table right beside the hall that lead to the restrooms. It was a bit uncomfortable to be right in the way of every patron that wanted to go to do what was needed to be done, but better that right in front the window where they could be potentially spotted and interrupted, and also was better that the mini lounges that usually ended up being shared spaces, instead of a place for one o one conversations. He was sure the other party would agree that privacy was key at that point. He sat down, looking absentmindedly at his shoes, playing with the one spot were the glue was actually failed to do his given purpose of keeping his shoes together. He made a mental note of going shopping once everything went back to normal. 

He was startled by a rushed “hello” and the swift twirl of a long jacket right before Jisoo sat down in front of his with a cup of tea and some cookies. 

“We are such great adults. Coffee and Sweets for lunch. Don’t you agree about the utter magnificence of our awesome adulthood, Jisoo-hyung?” Joked Soonyoung as an answer, and his friend actually laughed. 

“Well, I’ve seen Cheollie have worst in college, so I don’t really mind some baked goods for lunch. At least they are edible.”

“Preach” he mumbled, looking over to his gentle faced friend, weary “How is everything going?” He asked, tentatively.

Jisoo took a sip of his tea, and smiled.

“Could be worst. Work has been ok and, besides Seungcheol’s and Jeonghan’s constant need for a voice of reason, home life has been great…” he paused, eyeing Soonyoung with a unreadable smile “… and you?”

Ladies and Gentlemen, Hong Jisoo and his soft tone that told you “I love you but I think you are an idiot and I hope you can rectify your ways before I rectify YOU” made an appearance. It was supper effective. 

“You know…. I….” He took in a deep breath “I know I need to man up…. And actually talk to Jihoon…”

[“You know you’ve been an ass, don’t you? You are acting like we are sixteen again and the girl you had a crush on for like, a week, told you your cheeks look stupid. This is ridiculous!!” Reprimanded Wonwoo, while laying on Soonyoung’s old high school bed without much grace. He was almost swallowed by the old mattress and the old Naruto covers didn’t make anything less embarrassing, nor did Soonyoung’s mopping, sitting on the floor with his back to him. And yet, here he was, trying to knock some sense into one of his good friends like they were teenagers again. Luckily he never met Soonyoung as a teen or he would have murdered him a long time ago.

“But Wonu….!” Complained Soonyoung, trying to sound playful and failing miserably. Thankfully aware of his own pathetic tone, he continued “I just can’t deal with him right now. I can’t talk to Jihoon… I know I broke his trust and…” he tried to suppress a sob, letting his head fall back into the bed. 

“Ok, time out. You broke HIS trust? Seriously?” Asked the other trying to hold himself up with his elbows, but the mattress was relentless in their pursuit to eat him whole “I’m not saying you did everything right. We all know how stupid you are, but he paid you with the same coin when he started talking shit behind your back.”]

“And I know ya’ll think Jihoon was the only one wrong here or whatever but… but it was me who… who forgot how to treat him? I got too cocky. I got too comfortable….” 

Jisoo smiled bitterly and tried to understand his friend. How his worn down frame just was a reflection of being too hard on himself. Jisoo always thought of Soonyoung as a strong and driven man, ready to face the whole world if it meant to get what he wanted. And now… he was so afraid and uncomfortable in his own skin. He looked so inadequate. But before he could try to confort him, Soonyoung proceeded with:

“Right now… I know that… I can’t put blame on my life, on what I have built here and punish it because of this mess. I know I have to be around….”

[“Look, Soon… I’m not going to ask you to go straight back to your apartment and face Jihoon. Not now at least. But are you seriously going to hide in this hideous room for how long It takes your testicles to drop down again? You love and worked so fucking hard to build “Hurricane”! You have friends that are going nuts in Seoul because of this. Are you truly going to trash everything you’ve accomplished because one thing in your life isn’t going as you planned It should go? You owe yourself going back to that. Not to Jihoon. Not to anyone else. You owe this to yourself because if you let this one aspect of your life dictate how much is your effort worth, then you are never going to resolve this.”]

“And yet… it feels so wrong being here. Like… it’s like I’m making everything worse by just being here and not being mature enough to talk this… this thing out with Jihoon and reach an “amicable agreement” or whatever crap was Wonu saying back home….” Letting his head fall down into his hands, he pressed firmly against his eyes to stop himself for crying. He was tired of it. 

Jisoo took this opportunity to coax his friends hands down, and held them tightly on his, rubbing small patterns over his knuckles. Soonyoung face was still down.

“No one is asking you to sort everything out right now. And even if they were… this is on you Soonyoung. You have to take the choice that will make you the happiest and work on your terms. You’ve worked on Jihoon’s till now… “ Soonyoung whipped his head up and started to babble something out, but Jisoo put a finger on his mouth and moved his head in denial “No, Soonyoung, listen to me… I’m not going to tell you what I think you did wrong, nor what I think you did right. You already have an idea about what you have to do right now, but the main thing you have to understand is that… no matter what you think about yourself and how much blame you put over yourself… right now, you have to be brave and look at things outside of your pain. I know it’s hard, but it takes courage to be mature. You already are brave for being here and taking responsibility and ownership over your own life, just…. Try to be brave enough to take ownership over your own feelings?” 

And, like many times before, Soonyoung sobbed quietly into his coffee, but this time, Jisoo was there and held his hands for a long time. 

 

Dancing was something Jihoon never dabbled in before Soonyoung came into his life. He liked to think of it like the marriage between his love of music and his need of movement. It had everything martial arts provided - discipline, flexibility, strength and coordination - but it was maleable, like sound. It could be harsh, pointed and fast, or soft, delicate and fluid, or just a combination of everything in different beats of the same song. 

[It was a marriage of harmony. It was a dream of rings and lifelong promises. It was the marriage he had yet to be able to have with Soonyoung]

[That dream seemed so far away at that point] 

After their fateful Tae Kwon Do classes, Soonyoung insisted on teaching him some basics; it was more like little dates where they could do everything form hip hop to ballroom dancing and enjoy each others movement and presence without having to talk to communicate. For Jihoon, it meant the starting point to the reconciliation between his own fear of physicality and his love of sound and rhythm. What he didn’t expect in all that process, was to teach one of Soonyoung’s friends how to work on his stage presence with a choreography he could only see in the tiny screen of a shitty cellphone. Seokmin was actually very helpful and understanding of the shortcomings of practicing in the living room, and even offered to invite Mingyu over after his shift at the family restaurant was over, so they all could have dinner together. Jihoon was grateful for both of them, but knew the underlying reason for such offerings was the fact that his reluctantly-classified-as-ex boyfriend wasn’t around anymore. 

Jihoon had made a point of going home straight after work and waiting there in the dark for Soonyoung every day. Sometimes Seungcheol joined him, and Jeonghan. Sometimes did Seugnkwan and Hansol. Even if for a few hours, the company was appreciated, but only emphasized the void Soonyoung left inside the apartment. He refused to use their shared room if the other party wasn’t around, so the living room and small visit restroom doubled as his living quarters for the time being. 

The practice that afternoon went surprisingly well. Seokmin had started to feel comfortable in the movements and started to try and sing his lines along them. It was shaky and still a bit unsure, but someone as talented vocally as Seokmin was, surely could overcome the hardship and actually nail an impressive performance. With both sweaty and somewhat weary, they called it a night and went straight to the fridge for ice cold water. 

“You’ll be ready in no time, Seokmin. You just need to feel confident enough to belt out that high B and no one will doubt on casting you for this role” complimented Jihoon “and I’m talking as a producer, not as a friend”

“That means a lot. Thank you, Jihoon-nim.” Joked the taller one, with a stupidly blinding smile.

“ Oh, cut the crap” mumbled the producer gulping his water with a bit more force than needed.

“Sorry, Jihoon-ssi” replied the other, bowing lower than he really needed to.

“You are insufferable” replied Jihoon, tossing his towel straight to Seokmin’s face. 

The other caught it before it could land somewhere near his face and laughed along Jihoon’s grunts. While Jihoon went to the restroom to clean himself up, Seokmin checked his phone. He had two messages. One from Mingyu telling him he was two blocks away from the Kwon-Lee apartment and to start the oven, and other from his group chat with Seungkwan and Soonyoung. The last one made him grin wider than before, replying with excited tip tapping of his fingers. Even when Mingyu knocked at the door, he didn’t lift his eyes from the messages.

“What has you so happy?” Asked the tallest one, while unpacking the pre made food he was going to put in the oven.

“Soonie came back today, and wants to talk. So we, Kwannie and me I mean, are meeting this weekend with him in Seungkwan’s apartment.”

“Yeah, Wonwoo-hyung told me he could, and I quote “drag his sorry ass back to real life”. He was traumatized by teenager Hoshi’s room.”

“Awww, that Naruto cover was amazing. Wonu has bad taste” 

“The fact you know I’m talking about that thing, is proof enough that it is, in fact, fucking horrible" he joked, smiling wit his canines showing “That aside, I’m happy Soonyoung came back.”

A short slam of a door was quietly followed by a soft murmur.

“What did you say?”

 

Chan had really no choice but to go back home that night. His mom would have whipped his ass to next year if he left her with warm food uneaten on the table because he forgot to tell her he was going to stay the night at the studio, so it was just china line to give Soonyoung company for the night. While both of them insisted on taking his friend in and letting him claim the couch, the choreographer was adamant on not inconveniencing anyone. 

[“I already pay a lot for this place! It’s only fair to use it for it’s money’s worth” had he answered when they offered.]

So it was a night for dancing, they presumed. There was no way Soonyoung was going to stay in the studio and not dance his troubles away. Surprisingly enough, after their official team practice came to an end, they all went straight to the showers. They joked about not peeking and to keep hands to themselves - Hao had actually tossed a soap bar straight to Chan’s head after a rather nasty joke, straight out of Jeonghan’s mind and it landed straight on his forehead with a loud thud.

[Given the tone of the night, none of them was actually going to pick that soap up. It was going to dry up were it landed. ]

They joked and laughed and actually tried to pinch soft tissue to tease each other. One of the perks of being a crew dancer, or any type of team player really, was that you got accustomed to both nudity and physical contact without that much sexual undertone. Of course there were always going to be exceptions to that rule - Chan, for example, was less comfortable than any of them with butt-grabbing and initiating back hugs - but for the most part, anyone who had showered one too many times in the same changing room as his teammates knew pretty much about any ticklish reflects, or embarrassing spots they might have. 

[They all knew Soonyoung was not so secretly a sucker for physical comedy. They exploited that vein quite often.]

It also meant that you could appreciate bodies without the need of gawking. Of course, Junhui and Minghao were in a relationship, a fully intimate one, but while they were inside the team’s sphere, they just were another part of the system. At first it had been awkward, to give a butt slap or receiving a dick tap without feeling like it was an inherently sexual act. After a while, it was just part of who they were. Also, there was the trust factor, wether it was about how many back hugs you could give someone else without it being considered cheating, or how much you could read into the undertones of the relationship level the other was with their friends. It was absolutely hell for a while, but then it just became a nonsensical worry. They couldn’t possibly interact without that level of skin ship with their coworkers. Jealousy was just cute for a while.

That’s why, Junhui pondered, he didn’t feel jealous when, while Hao was sitting besides him, hand on hand, the head of Soonyoung was over his thin thighs and the wet strands of his black hair were being played with absentmindedly. It was just how it was for Hao and Soonie. Once Wonwoo had also asked him, rather awkwardly mind you, why he never seemed jealous over those displays of affection between them, and he had pondered over it along the years. The easiest answer was that Minghao was an affectionate person to begin with, and Soonyoung was always eager to provide the people he cared for with what they needed, never denying a hug, a hand hold, or even a platonic kiss. But in reality, it went deeper. Mostly is could be summed up in that he knew Soonyoung would never betray his friends like that, but in his case… Kwon Soonyoung was the first person he could interact with on an equal base. 

You see, when Junhui arrived in Korea, he met with two common reactions: rejection and curiosity. Being a Chinese performer, who had dabbled in child acting before, his introduction to the arts college department was anything but kind. No one doubted his talents, and wanted to exploit them to the best of their abilities. But when it came to him, he as a person, he as someone with his own aspirations and goals, it went a little less smoothly. It was like being Chinese and trying to break into the Korean performance scene was a threat. So he mostly kept to his fellow Chinese nationals. But as some resigned and went back to China, or integrated themselves into their own crews, Junhui has actually felt lonely. That was when little ball of sunshine that was Soonyoung crashed straight into his life. It wasn’t a superhero scene where Soonyoung saved him from bullying, nor was it an awkward start for a forced project. The chubby cheeked male, with badly bleached hair had gone straight to him and asked to join him for a performance for the summer’s showcase at another local college. At first it was just like with everyone else: come up with a choreography, practice, look for the perfect costumes and that was it. Once the performance was done, they would have parted ways. 

The only difference was that Soonyoung stayed. And he stayed through thin and thick. Invited him over to spend long weekends with his family when Junhui couldn’t travel back home and made an effort to help him with his Korean and learn what he could of mandarin from him. He invited him to sleepovers with his high school friends and joined him in Chinese restaurants when he was feeling nostalgic. In terms of talent, they were well matched, and in what they didn’t share, they could always support the other from behind. He had found a friend.

That was why, a short few years later, when a new Chinese student enrolled on their program, young, with soft puppy features, and bubble gum hair, he knew he ha to help. He faced similar complications with interacting, and maybe even worse, given his bad temper and rather sharp tongue and deep flaws in his Korean knowledge. Junhui knew he needed to bring that student into his Korean group of friends. At first it was hard, with Minghao being moody and crabby, but Soonoung was determined to help him out too. So of course, he challenged the new student to a dancing face off. It was so stupidly childish that it worked like a charm; loud, old trot music with Seokmin, Seungkwan and Hansol cheering and laughing at all the cheesy and corny movements Soonyoung could muster. Minghao lost, but not because of lack of talent or trying, he just couldn’t stop laughing to even stand up and face his hung properly. 

[After that they learnt that the young performer was a champion b-boy back home, and that he was the smoothest acrobat they had ever seen from up close. Junhui absolutely fell in love.] 

So, Junhui never felt like Soonyoung was a threat in a romantic sense. More than anything, Soonyoung was glue. He wasn’t afraid to make a fool of himself in order to keep the group lighthearted and entertained, and wasn’t afraid to set the mood for more serious conversations other people had to have with each other. 

“Ah…” sighed Soonyoung, looking up to the ceiling with half closed eyes “this feels great. I think we haven’t got this much alone time since we graduated, right Junnie? I really missed this”

And Junhui couldn’t but agree, letting himself forget the problems they will have to face when reality crashed down on them when they woke up next morning. 

 

“Jihoon-hyung. Calm down.”

“Calm down?? He is back and he hasn’t contacted me???? Where is he??? I need to see him!!” Ranted Jihoon going around the apartment, trying to collect his scattered belongings to go out and… look for his… ex?

“Jihoon-hyung… stop please….” Pleaded Seokmin, but Jihoon payed him no mind, still going around and around, frantic and erratic.  
Mingyu, without any further warning, grabbed Jihoon by the collar of his shirt and stopped him, using his superior height as leverage against the overly anxious gremlin. The other protested aggressively, kicking and shoving against the tallest one without mercy. 

“Jihoon-hyung, STOP” ordered Mingyu, in a loud boom. Jihoon looked up at him, with fire in his eyes and a sneer on his lips “going after Soonyoung-hyung right now is going to make everything WORSE”

“I have to see him, Mingyu! You don’t understand!!”

“I understand quite well, mind you. Shit down, please.”

Being reluctantly agreeable, Jihoon stood right beside the couch were Seokmin was sitting and looked over to Mingyu, threatening. 

“You wanted to talk? Well, talk.” ordered the producer, in a hiss.

Mingyu sighed. He was never good at dealing with serious crap like this.

“Look… I know you want to go to him. I really do. I know you want to fix everything up. But what are you going to do? Go there and force your apologizes down Sonnie-hyung throat?” Jihoon flinched, he was getting through him “I know this is really out of your comfort zone, but right now you have to take the cues from him. You need to show him you care about what he needs. You need to be here for when he comes back for real and be ready to face whatever you’ll have to face without avoiding it. There’s no way around this, Jihoon-hyung.”

Jihoon collapsed on the couch, head between his hands.

“I’m so tired of being alone here”

Seokmin creeped to his side slowly and rubbed his back, comfortingly.

“Are you tired of being alone here…” he started to ask, unsure “or are you tired of being without Soonyoung here?”

“Isn’t it the same?” He retorted, humorlessly.

“No” answered Mingyu “No, it isn’t”


	7. Baby Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lonely is the feeling of giving without retribution. 
> 
> A glimpse of hope is conceived inside a tired heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this took long enough.
> 
> I'm not really as coherent as I should be because I'm a drunk 27 year old who just remembered she had to upload this in a friends house.
> 
> I'll edit this note tomorrow, I think.

Chapter 7

 

Baby Steps

 

[One Month Later. Wednesday, 15:47]

Lee Chan has never resented having older friends, but he found it slightly annoying. It always had been like that for him: whether it was the cousins he spent holidays with, or the older kids in the block, Chan never really fitted with younger folks and chose to spend his leisure hours surrounded by slightly older people. He was a rather shy child, but what made him stand out was actually how serious he became when he was doing something he liked, and how nervous he was when he felt insecure about things he wasn’t so good about. 

His teachers tried to coax him out of his comfort zone, but were never successful in their attempts. Maybe it was because he was really focused on his dream of becoming a professional dancer from really early on; he never really understood the fleeting interests of children or teenagers. Maybe it was because his passion caught up with him from early on and never had to pursue a search. Dance was his life. An just maybe, that’s why when he got accepted to those advanced contemporary dance college classes, he danced a bit better than anyone else and had a lot more knowledge about the intensity needed to convey his emotions through movement, or more body control and strength to keep awkward poses for as long the choreographer intended. He knew the praises he got from him actually alienated him from the rest of the class at first, he was just an overachiever high schooler who probably had it so easy from early on. The gossip he heard was absolutely ridiculous but, it never really affected his motivation. As always, just contemporaries that didn’t understand his way or doing things. 

And then, Kwon Soonyoung came into his life. Much like with Minghao and Junhui, it was his charisma and sense of humor that drew him towards the young choreographer. That he was good in his job, and actually knew how to dance was just a plus he learnt to appreciate with time and a few assignments later. And it wasn’t just Soonyoung, but his whole circle that drew him in like honey to bees. They actually knew about Michael Jackson and Millenium Dance Complex, both incredible importante sources of inspiration for him. They actually liked those things and had decent knowledge about them, and were versed enough that they could appreciate and criticize them in a mature, professional manner. It was both serious and spontaneous. Fun and jesting. Sagacious and clownish. Chan loved every second of it. So when Soonyoung told him about this dream of his, opening a dance studio of his own, he actually believed he did it for his love for the discipline and wanted in as soon as he could actually offer something to the project.

Now, about seven years later, he was there, his first teaching job. Soonyoung had made it, even with the financial struggles and the extra hours, he had gone and just… did it. That was what he admired the most of the older male, besides his out of the box way of coming up with really complex choreographies - but that’s a story for another time. He was just so unapologetically himself, so passionate, so creative and so hard working, that, at one point he had thought, that even if he failed, at least the fall was going to be a show worth watching.

Oh how wrong he was, wasn’t he?

Seeing Soonyoung fail at something wasn’t a show. It wasn’t even a tragedy. It was just… the void. It was as failing took something from him and the space just got too hard to fill just by himself. But, as Chan mussed that afternoon, looking at Soonyoung work on some numbers while he helped him organize some tax stuff he didn’t want to understand just yet, that sense of emptiness actually hindered his ability to even react like a normal human being would. And he was, quite frankly, sick of hearing those watery sighs when he thought no one was inside the dressing room, or watching him write those long texts he never sent. 

“You should call Jihoon-hyung” he actually said out loud. He almost immediately regretted that choice, as Soonyoung froze in his place, his breath halting and Adam apple bobbing. 

“….. Eh…. Chan I don’t… Can we talk about it later? Please?”

“Hyung….” He was tempted to stop, watching his friend clam up so awkwardly, but he didn’t want to be like Jun or Minghao, who, often, treated Soonyoung like he was made of flower petals and crystal “I think you actually need to talk about this. It’s pathetic to see you avoid the topic”

“Hey, be more respectful. I’m still older….” He complained, almost dilatory.

“Well, you are forcing me to be the voice of reason here. Hell, everyone around is walking on egg shells about this, and not only with you. Even Hansol is being fastidious about all this, and he is by far the least tactful person in our circle” he retorted, getting closer “look, I’m not trying to be an ass, but I need you to voice what’s going on inside your head… and if it’s not with me, you need to do it with someone who isn’t Jisoo”

“H-how did you….”

“I have my ways. Jeonghan owes me quite a bit” he interrupted, chuckling almost malevolent, gripping his older friend shoulder tightly “the point is. We know you” he made a movement with his free hand, gesticulating around “we have seen you built and work your ass off. Jihancheol, hell, even Meanie just have seen the end result of all of that. But because I know you as well as I do…” he trailed off, cheekily, while Soonyoung huffed annoyed “well, because I know you as well as I do, I think you need a kick in the butt towards the right direction, which is talking to Jihoon”

Soonyoung sighed.

“You all are way too involved in this…”

“Well, why shouldn’t we?” He asked, bluntly “In the end the choice is yours. But I truly believe the way you are dealing with this is going to be worse in the long run. You are not a quitter. But this is you attempting to quit.”

“I couldn’t possible have sta-“ tried to retort Soonyoung, actually offended.

“Hyung, let me finish” interrupted the younger, stern “I’m not talking about leaving the house and all of that. Hell, I think you did the right thing then. But you are not moving forward. You still are paying your rent, for fucks sake! You don’t even live there anymore, and still worry about . You haven’t actually talked about finances and all that stuff. For how strict you are with numbers here, you are being very irresponsable with your personal life. And if… and if the reason you are avoiding doing it is because you are afraid your resolve of leaving Jihoon-hyung for real is going to crumble, well, it’s because it wasn’t even that steady to begin with”

Soonyoung quoted down, sighing deeply. Silence filled the room while both males fixed their gaze in different points of the room, making an effort of not looking at each other. Chan actually felt fear creeping from the back of his head, wondering if he had taken it a step too far into the “Soonyoung is going to break again” direction, but he didn’t hear nor feel under his hand the tremors of sobbing, nor did he hear the even breath of his friend catch. It was somewhat awkwardly peaceful. 

When Soonyoung chose to reply, it was a soft, steady tone, almost melodic.

“You know… Jisoo-hyung actually said something very similar… and Wonu-ah has been insisting often on it too…” he started, almost turbulent “but I still can’t find it in me, the courage. I just don’t know where to begin. I don’t know…”

Chan felt his lips forming a thin line, and took a sharp breath in. His next question was going to be as sharp as Soonyoung slanted eyes.

“Soonie, why did you really left Jihoon?”

 

People couldn’t actually say Jeonghan wasn’t efficacious when he actually wanted to prove a point. Even if he could be a bit both conspicuous and mordant with his words and actually caustic in his demeanor, when he actually felt a strong connection to a goal, he actually felt the need to work for it. He could be persistent in his quest for results, because what he lacked in stamina and motivation, he made up for with adroit and meticulous planning; even if he wasn’t the most hard working and there were people far more willing to provide their input, he always made sure his point got across no matter the cost. That didn’t mean, sadly, that the points he usually wanted to prove were in essence quite difficult to unravel, or that the people he wanted to prove said points to were willing recipients of his views. The case with his current quest - Soonyoung and Jihoon’s debacle, the one he has come to refer as “Soonhoon’s highway to hell” - was that both parts involved were so obtuse and sensitive, that no matter how much care and hope he invested on his plans, or how hard he worked towards coming up with a solution, the process was in essence foul and tense. Even the point itself - that his friends needed to man up and act like functional adults despite the circumstances - had diluted itself because of the endless energy one had to invest in keep pushing. 

[The first time he saw Jihoon, he was painfully aware of how immature the younger male actually was, even if he acted all cool, calm and collected in front of him. His whole screen was playing a character so aloof and unapproachable because he was so fussy and delicate inside, that he had the instinct to protect himself from the world.]

[He always thought what he actually needed was an earthquake to shatter those walls. And for a while, it looked like Soonyoung’s hurricane was enough.]

[Being mistaken had never been more annoying.]

While Soonyoung had been avoiding any sort of confrontation, but still acted friendly and cheerful enough, Jihoon had become gloomier. That in itself was a feat. But as worried as he was, he actually welcomed the challenge. Even if he felt cruel for thinking and believing in it, he was glad Jihoon was going though this messy poor excuse of a break up. No matter how invested and devoted the younger male was to his music, it wasn’t enough for him to be living a happy life; even if the realization punched him straight in the heart. The clumsy way he approached talking about feelings, and the meek motivation he had to actually to share them with anyone who wasn’t Seungcheol had pushed all he got inspiration from - translation: caring, sparkling Soonyoung -, further away from him.

[Once, hair about 7 inches longer and cheeks rounder, he had felt absolutely jealous of the short, talented young man. Even if he was sure that Seungcheol had chosen him to be with in a romantic way, he couldn’t help but to doubt when the younger called at ungodly hours of the night during a date and his boyfriend provided a friendly ear to all his complains. He had actually confronted him about it, but he had soon learnt that Seungcheol needed to listen to Jihoon as much the latter needed to talk; it was somewhat symbiotic and unhealthy, but the alternative was much worse, so Jeonghan dealt with it and accepted that it was part of the reality of dating the man he was pinning for so long.] 

[It helped that Jihoon had confessed that they had actually tried to date and it had been the most awkward, uncomfortable thing either of them had done in their lives. It provided a sense of closure that Jeonghan didn’t know he needed before that.]

[Also, he knew exactly the way to refocusing his caring boyfriend’s attention towards what was really important.]

[After Jihoon realized what exactly that entitled, he stopped calling on date nights.]

The main improvement was that Jihoon wasn’t really a patient man, and yet he had been quietly waiting for Soonyoung to make the first move. The problem with that was that the dancer seemingly had no intentions of taking said step towards a conclusion. Jisoo, patience made flesh and light of his existence, had pointed out that it was a much needed learning experience for both of them, and that as friends, their role was to wait and contain the issue from reaching new levels of bad - mainly, what lack of proper knowledge and involvement had provided last time when everything blew out.

But he really wanted to help, even if Jihoon time and time again pointed out that he had “helped” enough. That his input was just redundant given the circumstances, and that he was sick of listening to anything Jeonghan had to say about the matter at hand. In a way, he couldn’t blame the young composer, but also he felt a pang of pain in his chest when his efforts were so easily dismissed. Seokmin had told him that maybe he was feeing a bit guilty about tipping the first domino, but It was guilt, nor spite, what motivated him. It was more of a need of having them all happy and somewhat healthy, both conditions neither of the parties involved met. And even if they all had been trying to be supportive - well, maybe outside Wonwoo, who was so fed up with this whole mess that he had left the group chats and had removed himself from any conversation about the issue they have had ever since -, it just wasn’t enough. Seokmin and Seungkwan often joked about him being a serpentine man, always having a plan or at least a guideline to stir situations in his favor, and yet, right now he was lost. He had no plan, nor had he a guideline. He just had a point. 

And a point that was starting to feel like a slogan. Lacking substance, just there to reinforce his point he had worked to hard to make in the first place. He still stood by it. He stood by the the fact that his friends needed to face this like mature adults, but, at the same time, he was so confused on how he could help.

[And even if he had a plan, would it have any merit?]

 

[Friday, 22:14]

Soonyoung collapsed into the studio’s floor with a loud thud, and was cynical enough to stop himself from being sad no one was around to listen. He had made a quest of kicking his Chinese coworkers out of the building when he suspected they were trying to stay with him for the night. As much as he loved them, he knew it was everything but healthy to inspire such pity in them and unconsciously forcing them to make him company. He actually waited for a long while, almost an hour, before going to the dance floor and actually shuffle through his playlist and actually dance to anything that came up. Once he had thought of it as therapeutic, now it felt like running away and it was, quite frankly, pissing him off. He knew he wasn’t a coward. He knew it wasn’t in his blood to hide from challenges life threw in front of him. But… Jihoon’s and his relationship was stepping into ground so shaky he was afraid it would swallow him whole. And, it wasn’t like Jihoon had made any attempts in contacting him after he came back to Seoul. He would have wanted at least a text. At least a way to know Jihoon still clung to some kind of sick hope he was going to come back. 

The conversation he had with Chan a few days prior actually made him realize that everyone was pushing him to take the first step. It felt oddly unfair, to be the one taking all the first steps. Asking Jihoon to be his friend, asking him out, asking him to move in, moving out himself. He knew it was somewhat logical in the rational sense: he had walked out, he had to set the terms of how everything was going to play out from there, but he wanted to feel like at least he was wanted. He was left for so long being the one holding on, keeping it all together, and now was expected to unravel the mysteries of a grown up break up all by himself. It was like if he had to take every choice by himself once again. Like before, he had to make the shopping list and buy everything on it, occasionally asking for the other party to help out. It was tiresome that everyone expected him to go on and set the foundations of something he was so unsure about. Chan’s question still rang in his ears, and his answer was still heartfelt, even it wasn’t as sincere.

[“I…. I broke up with him because I was tired. I was tired of being left behind. Being the last one to know. I broke up with him because I couldn’t kept him as unhappy as he was with me by his side… well, at first I thought like that. But now… I’m just tired of feeling like I’m alone even in my own home…]

 

“…Now I think I broke up…” he muttered to himself, his voice hoarse echoing in the silent room “… and went away because I was sick of having to carry the whole load of keeping everything together by myself. I invested my heart on it… and it just didn’t pay off…” he felt himself about to cry again, and groaned “aww… crap… I can’t still be crying about this….”

He stood up, slowly, his joints aching and cracking like a physical therapist worst nightmare, but the physical pain was a good distractor from the way his brain seemed to wander. He grabbed his phone and walked towards the showers, shoulder slumped and feet dragging, the perfect picture of defeat. He had stopped to think he deserved what had happened a while ago. He had stopped blaming it all on himself, he really did. But somehow he still felt a sick twirl of guilt in his stomach whenever he thought about how much he had pushed Jihoon to do whatever he had planned to do. He always took the lead and was so exited to give Jihoon everything he thought it was worth having, that probably drowned the man in misplaced attention. He truly understood that… but at the same time, if he hadn’t done that, probable he would have just ended bored and unattached to the younger male. If he hadn’t open up his world and gave his all, he wouldn’t have given Jihoon a space inside his heart. 

Showering was a fast ordeal, so was eating and brushing his teeth. It was all so mechanical when he was alone; no playfulness, no flirting, no caring. Those were just actions he had to do to be a proper functional human being, no real substance to them. He sighed, sitting down into his futon and strolling through his messages. A few from his “BooSeokSoon” chat, probably just memes and complains about daily life. He answered half heartedly. Two from Mingyu asking if he wanted to join him, Wonwoo and Seokmin for lunch on Sunday. He replied with a maybe. One from Jisoo asking how everything was. He just wrote down “ok, thnks 4 asking.” One from Seungcheol asking him to give him a call. He just left it in read. And a bunch from Minghao he really couldn’t avoid. The younger didn’t deserve short, unbothered answers after how supportive and caring he had been the past few weeks.  
The∞  
Did u eat?

The∞  
Dont stay dancing the whole night, u idiot

The∞  
If u dont answer by 12 we r goin to get u.

The∞  
Hoshi. R u there?

He chuckled. The youngest Chinese man never ceased to surprise him. Before his break up, Minghao actually never bothered to text first, nor did he reply with meaningful answers. In a way, everyone was really used to him taking the lead.

Hoshi   
Dude. Dont come. I ate. Untwist ur panties plz.

Hoshi   
I just took a shower too. Stop acting like my mom.

The ∞   
Someone has to be the responsible 1.

Hoshi   
Sorry to tell u. But thats Junnie.

The∞  
I take offense.

Hoshi  
I love u~

The∞  
U idiot. Junnie says g-nite.

Hoshi  
Tell him to throw ur phone out. Im fine. Stop txtng me.

A long pause followed, but Soonyoung knew it was because his friends were talking on the other side, and not because they actually took his words and agreed with them. He was actually a bit sad he had to rely on them and put a strain on their relationship because of his own issues, but he just didn’t know how to prove them he was fine. Sad still, yes. But fine. 

He sighed, and strolled down old messages. A few from Wonwoo about a new song he wanted him to choreograph because was heavily hip hop based and he wanted to see him dead after the performance, obviously. He appreciated that Wonwoo, after he said what he needed to, just went back to be the kind of friend he always was, not treating him any differently. Down the line, he had Jeonhan and his worried questions, and some memes from Chan. And then he saw it. 

He took a sharp inhale.

Hesitation.

 

Jihoon was getting used to be alone in the house. It wasn’t hard to figure out how to live by himself properly after Seungcheol had really gotten angry about him being a little piece of shit who didn’t even know how to cook scrambled eggs. Laundry came natural, as cleaning did. He still refused to used his bedroom for anything but changing clothes, and hadn’t actually set foot on his main bathroom in a month. Work was uneventful, his sadness exploited for lyrics. He had troubles with rhythm and harmony, but no comeback was coming soon, and even as stressful as it was, Seungcheol had pressed him to step back and leave the composing part to other people and just be there to give some opinions. He hated how emotional he was being, but music just didn’t sound the same. Words? He had plenty. Plenty he was dying to convey. Actions? Just as many. But music, his whole musical sense was just a mess. Everything sounded like he was underwater, still. Not clear enough, not powerful enough. It was just like fog engulfed his brain, and even if part of himself could be seen, the rest faded into soft grey.

Seokmin never told him anything about what he thought he should do. He was Soonyoung’s older friend and couldn’t really give him advice, or anything other than “well, he’ll come around…”. He wanted to believe that. He really did, but didn’t really agree with inaction. Even if everyone told him Soonyoung had to give him the pointers of what to do from there on, it felt harsh on his brain to just leave it be whatever the other wanted it to be. Hell, it had been like that for months, and that’s why this was just a mess. Waiting for it all to resolve itself, waiting for Soonyoung to change his ways. It was sickly similar to how things were before the break up. Inaction fed this whole shit show. And.. and still, he couldn’t just go to the studio and face him. He had, actually, walked there after work and stood right outside of view, like a creep, but never could take the step that would have made his presence known. It just felt imposing. It felt wrong to go there and demand something. But also he knew he had to do something, but the “what” eluded him like he was the plague.

Luckily, kind and wonderful Jun had been keeping him informed on Soonyoung’s state. Never quite as detailed as he would have wanted, but was more than he could have asked for in that situation. Jihoon felt his heart chip away a piece every time he read the other was doing somewhat fine, not troubled at all. He also knew it was a lie. In his heart he also knew Soonyoung wasn’t the kind of person who could be “fine” and yet not have been the bigger person and gone straight to him to settle their matters once and for all. It gave him hope, knowing Soonyoung was doubting. But that hope was sterile if it didn’t give him the strength to go against his friends and actually contact the other male. He was so disappointed in himself, but couldn’t actually take the leap of faith required to exploit those doubts. It just felt both right and unfair. That contradiction was the reason he spent hours watching his phone with a frown, trying to come up with something that wasn’t a lyric. 

He opened his - their - pictures and scrolled down the archive. So many memories he took and hugged hard against his soul. He never thought he would describe anything so strong in physical analogies, but right now, it was what made sense. The physical absence of Soonyoung hurt, even if he knew he had his heart still. ç

 

Taking a deep breath, he wrote:

“I still miss you. Where are you? I love you.”

He hit send without meaning to.

 

[And that was a lie.]

 

 

[He really had meant to.]


	8. A Garden Full of Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon is acting weird
> 
> Soonyoung spills the beans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> We are almost at the end!!! :D
> 
> Well, tomorrow is my birthday, so I wanted to upload this before I go on a partying rampage this weekend.
> 
> Have fun!!

Chapter 8

A Garden Full of Flowers

 

Love&Letter was quiet that evening, and Seokmin and Mingyu thought it was a good idea to visit Seungkwan while Hansol was away working some extra hours at his part-time job. He was planning to quit, but needed the extra money if his plan didn’t quite work out: he was preparing to debut as a rapper, had been working relentlessly on his album, but that also meant that he wasn’t able to go to the cafe and spend some down hours watching his boyfriend work his magic on the coffee machine. So, as good friend as they were, they chose to join Seungkwan and provide him with much needed gossip. About anything and everything, but they couldn’t help themselves to go into Soonhoon - Seungkwan had actually settled for combining their real names into their ship denomination, ash Hoozi or Woshi sounded just terrible, and Jiyoung was actress Jy’s name - territory when Seungkwan asked how their Weekend with Soonyoung went. Seokmin and Mingyu looked at each other and shrugged. 

“Well, Hoshi-hyung is just… himself? Kinda? I mean, you know he is sad underneath, but he is trying to be his funny, sunny self. At least when we play around…” answered Mingyu leaning over the counter, his chin resting on his fist. Luckily his boss wasn’t around, as it was a pretty low income shift “… he is no means over Jihoon-hyung, but I think he is trying to get there?”

Seokmin slowly nodded.

“Yeah, it’s like…” he gestured with his hands, trying to convey his feelings through movement “it’s like he knows he doesn’t need to be so down but he can’t really help himself? So, he pushes it aside… like always.”

“Nah, not like always” retorted Seungkwan “it’s more like a ‘I know this whole mess is my fault and I want to back peddle on everything but I know I can’t’ type of feeling? When I saw him on Saturday, he just looked like he was trying to rebuild himself…”

Mingyu hummed in acknowledge and stirred his cherry mocha pensively.

“Well, at least he is a bit more energetic. Minghao also told me the same. Maybe soon we’ll get a resolution to this crap…” he huffed “If any of you assholes gets married and then file for a divorce, make sure you tell us about it AFTER the whole thing is resolved. Waiting to see how everything’s going to unfold is driving me nuts.”

Seokmin pushed him lightly, snickering.

“What a great friend!” 

“But it’s true!” Mingyu protested “This is all so dramatic. I just want my friends to be happy, why can’t my friends be happy?”

Seungkwan shrugged, smiling softly.

“Look, happiness is something you work for, not something you get like a birth certificate, that you get for existing and stays with you the rest of your life… Just like love, they are garden full of flowers. You have to tend to them if you want them to be healthy and pretty…”

Mingyu faked a deep gag, holding his throat loosely and carefully pushing his drink aside, for dramatic purposes.. Seokmin laughed even louder, his whole frame shaking in mirth and Seungkwan blushed, trying to protest against the unromantic reaction both his friend had. The nerve of them! He was the one in an actual stable relationship, their sorry, single asses should have been ashamed of their reaction! He was about to give them a piece of his mind, in a long winded, verbose rant, when the ‘Cling’ of the front door resonated and he made himself presentable to welcome the newcomer. For everyone’s surprise, it was Lee Jihoon in the flesh.

“Good evening” the shorter male greeted, bowing his head slightly to his juniors. 

“Jihoon-hyung! Good to see you!” Exclaimed Mingyu, standing up trying to go and greet the newcomer, but, by doing so, he clumsily crashed his shoulder against Seokmin, who in exchange, winced. 

Jihoon, to everyone’s surprise, couldn’t suppress a smirk, that almost looked like a mirthful smile.

“Good to see you too, Mingyu. Sit down. I’m just here to get a coffee fix before heading home…” he trailed off, once again looking a bit dejected. But as Seungkwan looked at him, his eyes fixed in the shorter, yet older, male he could see something he hadn’t have seen in weeks: determination. 

“Well, what are you going to order, Woozi-hyung?” Seungkwan asked, somewhat careful. Seokmin gave him a side look before concentrating again in Jihoon, while he looked over the menu, none the wiser. 

The three of them exchanged looks, all aware of how uncharacteristic of Jihoon was to look so, calm? Given the circumstances, they all expected for him to still be the embodiment of gloom and rejection. But the Jihoon right in front of them showed a glimmer of light, like he was actually healing. Slowly, but healing. 

“Well… I’d like that thing with vainilla. Eh, Vainilla Cappuccino? Yeah, that thing…” he stated, after a few seconds. Seungkwan frowned slightly while charging the drink to his friend’s card. That was Soonyoung’s comfort drink. 

“One Cappuccino Vainilla coming in. Sit down, Hyung. It might take me a while to brew it how you like…” he answered, going straight for the machine, still profoundly weirded out. 

Jihoon sat down next to Seokmin and gave his phone a quick glance. Something in his eyes shifted and actually looked soft. 

“Did something good happen, Jihoon-hyung?” Asked Mingyu, trying to look over Seokmin so he could take a peek at the phone, but the composer was quick to shut his screen off and sent a nasty glare his way.

“Fuck off, brat” he spat, without any bite “just a text”

Mingyu was about to reply, but Seokmin gave him a “Don’t you dare look”, that helped to shut him up. 

“Well, I must say…” started the musical actor, smiling “you look quite well, hyung”

Jihoon flushed a little bit and scowled for a few seconds, but said scowl morphed into a slightly pained smile. Sighing, he nodded.

“Yeah, things are looking up right now. Thank you, Seokmin, for your concern…” he mumbled. 

Mingyu was about to put his foot inside his mouth again, but Seungkwan slammed his hand on the counter, in front of him and gave Jihoon his drink with a sweet smile.

“Enjoy it!”

Jihoon nodded again and stood up, biding his friend farewell and walking out of the building, a slight rhythm to his steps. The trio looked at each other, slightly horrified and worried.

“Don’t you think he found someone else??” Whispered Mingyu, mortified “Hoshi-hyung hasn’t contacted him yet! It can’t be him!”

“Shhhhhh!!! Don’t say that!! ” Hissed Seungkwan, while Seokmin took a sip of his drink, still paralyzed.

“But you saw it!!! That look!!”

Seungkwan gave the older one a loud slap on the back of his head and took his phone with urgency, typing faster than ever.

“I have to call Jeonghan”

 

Working in a music production company wasn’t as dreamy as the romantic view of doing what you actually found passion on might have implied. Sure, if you were good and provided excelling results, the ship sailed smooth on the waters of reality, but if you failed, the stormy waves of his bosses disappointment crashed against his body, leaving him bruised and tired. Last month had been a personal mess for both him and Jihoon, and their direct boss had been somewhat understanding, but right now they needed new creations, and he wasn’t sure if could ask Jihoon for something of quality. Sure, he was looking healthier as time went on, and he actually was going home to sleep for a bit, so it at least his cheeks looked less pale and dry. But going from not having inspiration enough to finish his old projects to ask him to compose at least one hit for them, was a bit of a stretch. It didn’t actually help that Jihoon had forbid him of going into his tiny studio on working hours, because Seungcheol was being too stuffy and imposing. In a way he was glad that crabby Jihoon was back to the bite he had before the break up, but it wasn’t as he was completely over. 

Walking down the corridor, he glanced at Jihoon’s darkened studio with a frown. He was going to fuck his eyes up if he kept working in absolute darkness, the only source of blinding white light coming from his computer or phone. The last thing any of hem needed was a blind, and just as miserable Jihoon. Searching for resolve inside his body, he knocked once, and opened the door without even announcing himself. He knew he was going to be denied entry regardless, so he just took said entry by his own means and ignored the upcoming protests. But, as he stepped in, he noticed no complains came his way. Nor was Jihoon sleeping, with tear stained cheeks, a sight he had grown sadly accustomed of. No. Jihoon was sitting in front of his computer, headphones over his ears, while humming an unknown tune. 

Rather confused, he walked in and shut the door softly, he could see, even in complete darkness, that Jihoon had glanced at him and went back to ignoring him, one hand moving the mouse with adept skill and the other playing an imaginary piano on his desk. He sat down on the couch behind him, waiting for his whole inspiration to burn down and actually dignify him with acknowledgement. It was no less of half an hour before Jihoon took his earphones off and rotated his chair.

“What?” He simply asked, faking annoyance. Seungcheol snorted.

“Just wanted to say hi… ah! And to ask you to turn on the lights, for heaven’s sake!” He answered, but Jihoon grumbled, murmuring something like “Fuck off” under his breath “Whoa, watch it! I’m still your hyung AND your superior at work” he added, jokingly.

The other just rolled his eyes and turnt the desk lamp besides him on. It wasn’t as powerful as the overhead light, nut it was something.

“Can I go back to it, now?” He asked, trying to sound less annoyed as he was becoming. 

“What is ‘it’ exactly? New song? For whom? You know we need new music for the new group. Their debut is coming closer and closer…”

Jihoon remainded tight-lipped for a few seconds before stepping aside, and showing the older male the lyrics.

“It’s mine. I’ll be glad to sell it later, but right now, it’s mine… well… not really mine but…” he provided, trailing off uncomfortable while Seungcheol put on the headphones and read on. 

Music made in a computer sounded good in pop format, even it it was done well, in rock format, but ballads never sounded right so… so metallic and impersonal. And yet, the fake piano sound, the low grumbling bass and violins, and the strong deep percussion sounded so strong, yet loving inside of Seungcheol’s head, that he couldn’t really pin point if he was feeling hopeful or hopeless. It was that kind of song. The kind of song that characterized Jihoon: it was the saddest song you could ever write, and still sounded uplifting. The lyrics flew out of his mouth softly, trying to find where they belonged. It was rough, he wasn’t going to lie, but this song was everything Jihoon was right now, and he couldn’t restrain himself from smiling. 

“It’s still rough…” Seungcheol started, trying to sound professional.

Jihoon groaned.

“Give me a break, I started it today. Even I can’t finish It in less than six to seven hours” he complained.

“It is a raw song, and even if you polish it, it’s not going to sound like Smile Flower or Adore U” he agreed, and glanced at Jihoon, who was shifting uncomfortably “Did you write it for you, or for him?” Seungcheol asked. 

Jihoon’s shoulder deflated, and smiled softly, looking at his feet. Seungcheol could see the answer forming inside his head, but it was rather too embarrassing to say it out loud, or he couldn’t find the words to express it himself. He knew Jihoon was bad with spoken words, was bad when what he tried to convey didn’t have the sound he liked, or the rhyme he needed for it not to sound scratchy or insincere. He then understood, the song was answer enough. 

Smiling, he replayed the song again, making sure to fit every lyric to the proper place.

“What’s the name?” He asked after a while, so softly he was afraid Jihoon might have not heard him.

Jihoon hesitated, land yet his eyes betrayed hope, while looking straight to the screen, his fingers craving a piano, or anything he could play.

“Pinwheel”

 

Hansol collapsed on the floor, groaning in pain, while Minghao and Chan laughed at his pathetic frame. The chinese man had been working his ass off since early afternoon, preparing him for his debut in the underground hip hop scene. He needed to be better than most, he had told him, they are not going to give you any free pass, specially because you are mixed. He absolutely hated how right Hao was, but it came with being a foreigner; he understood chauvinism and racism better than anyone, well, maybe except Jun. The thing was, Hansol understood perfectly well what he was diving in too, and as exciting as it was, he also knew he needed to step it up and give the crow a show they wouldn’t forget. He was glad everyone had helped him from the very beginning - from lyric writing with Jihoon, to rapping with Seungcheol and dancing with Minghao. And well, Chan was right now just being the lousy best friend he always has been. The youngest of the team joined in after his last Michael Jackson-style class with the noisy high schoolers who only came in because they thought the studio choreographers were hot. They weren’t wrong, but it was a tad annoying they were spending their parent’s money just for some out of their league eye candy. But well, it paid the bills. 

“Ok, stand up again. Right from the top, let’s go!” Clapped Minghao, fixing his pants and snapback, checking himself on the mirror. Chan just kept snickering like the annoying brat he was.

“Let me die for a few minutes, would ya?” He groaned, not making any movement to even stand up. He was a great dancer, mind you, but the stupid stamina the whole Hurricane staff had was just stupid. They never winded down, not even the calm, cool and collected Jun. 

Chan sat down besides him and poked at his stomach, without mercy. They tried to kick him away, but the blasted dancer was way to fast and nimble to strike him with tired limbs. Minghao rolled his eyes fondly and went to get water bottles from the mini fridge next to the door. Not long before they could drown themselves in ice-cold water, the door opened and both Jun and Soonyoung went in.

“Done for the day?” The b-boy asked, receiving a short sweet kiss from his boyfriend who sat besides him. Said boyfriend hummed in agreement, as Chan kept tickling Hansol on the floor. Soonyoung acted, as per usual, a bit odd. He was checking his phone almost obsessively. That in itself was alarming, but no one had found the time to actually ask him about it. 

Minghao gave Hansol one last look, and understood the rapper was not going to stand up soon enough. So he exchanged a look with Jun, as if asking for permission to starts going to be, probably, another heartfelt conversation about Soonyoung’s heartbreak. He inhaled sharply and asked:

“Hey, Soonie, what are you looking at?” 

Soonyoung jumped a bit, startled, and grimaced. Sighing deeply, he ran a hand through his dark locks. Chan tried to suppress an eye roll, because he was a bit done with Soonyoung acting all dramatic and not facing the issues he himself was putting out there with his actions. But was surprised when Soonyoung actually said something without being pressed to.

“Jihoon texted me yesterday”

Well, those were news, Junhui mussed as Hansol almost stood up, and tossed a very startled Chan to the side. Minghao frowned a bit, but Jun massaged his hand soothingly and talked before anyone else could say something stupid.

“Eh, well, that’s… what did he need?” 

He hadn’t denied he was as stupid as his friends, really. 

Soonyoung hesitated and sat down in front of them. He searched for a bit, implying there wasn’t just one text, and Minghao’s frown deepened slightly. When he finally seemed to have found the text, it looked like he read it once before handling the phone to Jun. Faster than ever, both Chan and Hansol were over his shoulders, trying to read too. 

Hoonie<3  
I still miss you. Where are you? I love you.

Hoonie<3  
Can’t I see you?

Hoonie<3  
I’m afraid I’ll start to forget your voice. 

The owner of the studio took his phone from Jun’s claws before they could head down the whole conversation, and cringed when Minghao’s frown transformed into a disapproving glare. 

“Woah…” hummed Hansol “That was intense. No wonder Jihoon-hyung is a writer….”

Chan nudged him with his arm, and smiled up to Soonyoung.

“So… what are you going to do?” 

Junhui glanced between the four of them. He could feel Minghao tensing up right besides him, but it was easy to calm him down, specially when Soonyoung didn’t look on the verge of tears. It was like he only was confused.

“I… I don’t know? I just…. It’s the first time he ever wrote to me to initiate anything…” he glanced at his phone, cringing at his own half hearted answers.

[Hoshi  
I don’t know if I can.

Hoonie<3  
Even if it’s at Love&Letter?

Hoshi  
More so if its at Love&Letter

Hoonie<3  
Sorry.

Hoonie<3  
Am I being annoying?

Hoonie<3  
I truly miss you.]

To his own defense, Soonyoung knew he was being difficult. He wanted to see Jihoon, but the fear of history repeating itself had him chickening out of any proper interaction between the two of them. He felt lost and sad, mostly choked to oblivion by his own self doubt. Every what if he had ever thought of clung on his throat like phlegm. He felt both sick and happy Jihoon was the one trying to initiate anything. He was the one who tossed him aside, why was he trying to reach out with such beautiful words? He didn’t deserve such loving and longing word-

[Hoonie<3  
I just want to hear you once again

Hoonie<3  
May I call you?

Hoshi  
Jihoon, please…

Hoonie<3  
I can’t let go. I won’t let go.

Hoshi  
Dont do this to me

Hoonie<3  
I love you]

“Stop it” Commanded Minghao, taking Soonyoung out of his trance. He felt the younger rather than saw him, right besides him, a hand on his shoulder right shoulder “Breath in…”

He did as said, shakingly.

“Good, now breath out” 

Again, he followed the command. Trying to look up from his phone, he could see Jun’s hand on his left knee, rubbing soothing circles on it, while big hands - probably Hansol - fanned him. He then realized he was having somewhat of a panic attack. He could feel Chan’s steps on the other side of the room, probably trying to find another water bottle for him when his breathing went back to normal. After a few more deep breaths, he could feel his lungs relaxing with every breath, and oxygen filling his whole body. 

“Sorry” he apologized, and Hansol’s movement ceased in front of him. The soft breeze the movement generated was over, but he still felt the presence and confort of his friend in front of him. 

“Hey, it’s alright. You don’t have to be strong anymore, if you don’t feel like it” Jun answered, comforting. He really had the best friends.

“It’s just… I want to see him. But I’m so scared. So, so scared…”

Hansol crouched in front of him and rubbed his head.

“Give yourself a chance, Soonyoung. Don’t regret anything… It’s not worth it”

Minghao sighed softly and crowded his space slightly, letting his head fall on Sonyoung’s shoulder. The choreographer himself nuzzled his head against his, and both exhaled somewhat relaxed. 

“You love him. Even after all this, you do. Don’t beat yourself up anymore… It hurts to see you like that…” 

[Hoshi  
I love you too

Hoshi  
I just need more time]

Looking up, he found Minghao’s eyes and said: 

“Thank you… shall we dance now? I crave some Drake…”


	9. Crushing Insecurities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Midnight runs to the convenience store might bring Jihoon one or two revelations.
> 
> Also, Jeonghan is done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Sorry for the delay, everyone. This has been a rough week (like pre-finals week, but for the professor's side. You won't believe how many meetings I had to fake I was listening to).
> 
> Also, my master's assignments have been brutal. I had to write the length of this fic on academic papers. 
> 
> Well, enjoy!!! We finally see Minghao and Jihoon interact!

Chapter 9

Crushing Insecurities

 

 

“You are so stupid, my brain might be stuck in a permanent state of migraine because of you. How are you going to make up for that, my idiotic, irrational children?” Groaned Jeonghan crossing his arms, annoyed “What would have happened if you spread the gossip and it reached Soonyounggie, huh? We would be right at square one! That’s it!” He chastised. 

Seungkwan wanted to protest, but Seokmin’s apologetic pout and Mingyu’s dejected frown were submissive enough that trying to do so might cause Jeonghan to go on another rant about their damaged brains and anything of the sorts. Moments like those, made Seungkwan wonder why he even bothered calling the older so-called mom of the group. 

“Hey, in our defense…” muttered Seokmin “We called you, because we knew you would have a more rational understanding of the situation….?” He asked, hopeful. 

Jeonghan annoyance melted, but he didn’t want to give in just yet.

“You did well, my pabo” sighing he brought the to go cup of tea Seungkwan provided when he arrived to a very closed, very dark Love&Letter, to his lips to warm them up “but seriously. You watch too many dramas and react exactly like the dimwitted best friend who gets everything wrong and push the main couple to break up for the Nth time.”

“Hey! The one who called you was me, hyung” protested Seungkwan, pouting alongside Mingyu. 

“Yeah, but Seokminnie is cuter. Now hush, I’m not over” dismissed the older, before speaking again, his voice lower, almost mature “Jihoon-ah is composing a song for Soonyounggie as we speak. An apology, if you want. It’s actually pretty damn beautiful, and I’ll be inclined to kill anyone who ruins his chance of delivering it, or, god forbid, put Soonyounggie in a mental place he wouldn’t be as receptive to it as he is right now. So, be careful and do not spread stupid rumors. I want this ordeal to be over as much as the next one. And if it brings them back together, even better.”

The three younger males looked at each other and shrugged, still unconvinced.

“But that doesn’t explain why he was watching his phone so intently…” he pointed out.

“Oh for the love of…” groaned Jeonghan, shoving Mingyu with medium force “what if he was waiting for an Uber? What if he was expecting a call from his mom or whatever? You can’t read into EVERYTHING and look for meaning!”

“But everything Jihoon-hyung does tends to have a slight underlying meaning….?” He asked again, insisting.

“Mingyu, if I were to reach for my phone right now and frown, what would you think? That Seungcheol broke up with me or that Jisoo informed me he was moving out? No! I would be frowning because it’s almost a quarter to eleven and I want to go to my apartment and hide underneath the warmth of my covers. Maybe cuddling with my boyfriend and best friend. But no, I’m here trying to push some sense into my idiot friends who read far too much into everything!”

Mingyu had the decency to blush and pout once again.

“So next time, please do me a favor and filter your thoughts through the “Common Sense” grid of your brain, would you?”

The four of them stood there, slightly miffed and ready to call it a night when Hansol came jogging straight to Seungkwan, a big smile on his face. Without even acknowledging the rest of the group, he halted right in front on his boyfriend and hugged him, hair still damp from his shower in the dancing studio. 

“Kwannie! You need to hear this!” He told the shorter, excited “Jihoon made the first move! He texted Soonyoung and Soonyoung is all confused and panicky, but I think he might take him back soon! Or… or something! But it’s good news, right??”

First, there was a shocked silence, broke only by Hansol’s ragged breath. 

After that, Seungkwan’s gapped at his boyfriend, paralyzed.

Then, Jeonghan’s expression shifted to annoyed to absolutely done.

Mingyu slowly started to grin.

Seokmin started to shake with silent laughter.

And in the same heartbeat, Seungkwan gave his boyfriend a dumbfounded “What?!”, Seokmin started laughing histerically, Jeonghan facepalmed so hard the echo of his self given slap could be heard clearly on the street and Mingyu fist pumped into the air, whooping triumphantly.

Hansol looked around, and very confused, said:

“Oh guys, I didn’t see you there… wait, what’s going on?”

 

Grocery shopping just before midnight wasn’t something Minghao found pleasure in. Really, it was a drag to even consider putting on pants just to walk a few blocks to the closer store and wake up his brain enough to remember everything needed for breakfast. Usually, doing it with Jun by his side made the whole ordeal somewhat less soul crushing, but his beautiful overly dramatic boyfriend was allegedly “…too sick to go to the store oh please Hao Hao help us!”. In reality, it was just some seasonal allergies and sore limbs from his advanced ballet class, but the older chinese male could really invoke the drama queen inside his body and drive Minghao to do anything he wanted. He rarely used the “hyung” card anymore, knowing that the younger breakdancer had, at most, no respect for his elders if they acted like all their friends did. Or his boyfriend. Point is, he had to act cute and miserable for Minghao to do something for him. That’s why he was at half past eleven, on a Thursday shopping for rice and milk, because his boyfriend used his cuteness for pure evil. 

Choosing from one brand of milk or the other was a chore. So was choosing between at least fourteen brands of noodles and rice. Should he put more value into price, or into nutritional information? Should he care about logos or package convenience? Being an adult meant he had to care about that stuff, and somehow he felt that living alone with his boyfriend wasn’t worth it if he had to spend at least ten minutes mussing over one brand and it’s properties before going to the next. He just wanted to grab randomly and check out fast, but if he did so, Jun was going to throw a fit about the shit they put into their bodies or something of the same line. Clearly, the former child actor cared way more about health and finances than Minghao did. 

Growing annoyed with himself, he just took the brand that seemed to fit in the perfect middle between not poison and not robbery, tossed it inside his basket, and dragged his feet straight to the check out. It was a rather slow night, so the cashier was almost in a trance while he repeated the standard speech he did with absolutely every client he came across on graveyard shift. Minghao felt sympathetic and not even slightly annoyed at the insipid reactions the poor soul gave him. He was sure he would be as dead inside as the cashier if he had to do the same work.

Picking up his bag, he bid his farewell’s to the employee and went straight to the door. But as he was approaching it, a small slim figure went right in. A slim, small figure he knew well enough. A slim small figure he hadn’t seen in almost two months now.

A slim small figure who regarded him with absolute panic.

“Jihoon-hyung….” Minghao muttered, startled.

He saw the shorter one physically flinch. 

[The first time they met, Minghao was surprised someone so short and delicate looking could be so manly. He actually expected him to be cutesy and a bit more feminine, but was impressed by the strong personality and decent amount of strength Jihoon possessed. At the time, the barely graduated young composer-and-soon-to-be-music-producer had a pink hairdo and sported the most serious expression he had seen in a man; the contrast was stark and almost offensive, but the man held himself with pride and it almost made sense in Minghao’s eyes, mostly because he had the same syndrome of cute face/strong personality.]

[He thought it would be cool to have pink hair too.]

[He didn’t actually regret dying it pink and blue, because he didn’t regret anything he did, regardless of the outcome.]

[But he came close to regret that dye job.]

“Minghao-ah….” He retorted, almost dumbly. But stood there regarding each other with wary looks, holding each other’s stares. It was Jihoon who broke the silence, for a change, and softly said: “It’s been a long time, you seem well.”

Minghao just nodded, still trying to decide what to do. From all of their friends, he was the only one - and maybe Chan, but he wasn’t sure - that hadn’t actually talked, nor really seen, the producer since the whole thing with Soonyoung had started. He didn’t want to count the ‘Hurricane’ Incident, because it was Jun who took the reins on that matter. Jihoon shifted uncomfortably on his feet and glanced inside the store.

“Eh, I have some shopping to do… it was nice…? Seeing you. Yeah… eh… goodnight Minghao-ah” he muttered while dodging the tall chinese dancer and slipped away into the aisles. 

[Jihoon actually felt intimidated by Minghao. He wasn’t only tall, athletic, lanky, quick witted and good looking, but he could dance like no other, was ready to have fun in any way possible and even in his foulest of moods, was cuddly and cute. Those insecurities deepened by the time he and Soonyoung started dating. While both of them made the effort of not being jealous of their previously stablished relationships with their closest friends, Jihoon couldn’t help but feel like Minghao and Soonyoung shared something special.Even if Jun always talked him out of those moods and clarified that it just was what their relationship looked like, he couldn’t shake the bitter feeling In the pit of his stomach every time Minghao hugged Soonyoung from behind or made childish faces at each other.]

[Sure, he had similar issues with Jeonghan when he and Seungcheol started dating and Jihoon didn’t understand the new boundaries that installed, but it was at it’s core, very different. Jihoon and Seungcheol grew up together, spent most of their awkward adolescence years together and even then a more intimate relationship was out of the question. They worked as colleagues, as best friends, as counselors and as anchors to each other. But he wouldn’t be surprised to see Soonyoung and Minghao kissing.]

[In some of his nightmares, they did.]

Minghao looked over his shoulder, pensively, and went out the store into the bitter midnight cold.

 

Soonyoung felt tired and his limbs ached at the very thought of spending another night on the spare futon they stored inside the studio. It was comfortable, but his body missed contact. It missed Jihoon like crazy. He craved the touch of clumsy, shy hands finding each other under the covers. He found himself looking out for back hugs that had the giver’s head fitting perfectly on his spine. He missed eyes dark and feline looking back at waking up, still bleary and unfocused, but oh so pretty and shiny. He missed Jihoon like crazy, but did he really? Even if his body remembered and sought after those beautiful moments, his brain was solely focused on the pain, the harsh words, the annoyed grimaces and the unkind distance. He tried oh so hard to overcome that fear, but every time he found himself watching their pictures in his cellphone, he remembered how bad things had become despite his own cravings. Every picture seemed so far away in the past, so remote to what had actually become the last few months of their relationship, that he doubted things would be akin to those times, even if he chose to go back to the apartment and try again. He had mistaken contempt for understanding, and In the end it had pushed both of them to their edges. 

He was very unsure of what he wanted. Sure, Hansol pressed him not to regret anything, but what was there not to regret, regardless of the choice? If he accepted a second chance and thing fell into the same routine, his heart was not going to break, it was going to be crushed - mostly because he knew not being Jihoon’s friend was going to kill him - but if he just stood his ground and kept forward without looking back, he was going to drown inside every what if there was lurking inside his brain - what if Jihoon was able of change? What if he was able of it too? What if he never found anyone who loved him so deeply, so purely? 

… He was doing it again, wasn’t he? Idolizing Jihoon. He just couldn’t help himself, really. Jihoon wasn’t perfect, yet in his eyes every imperfection was just another part of everything that made Jihoon… well, himself? But, he mussed, it was who Jihoon was that clashed so harshly against everything he was. Somehow, he found it very unlikely that either of them was going to change who they were at their very core just to fit the expectations and needs of the other. And, deeply enough, Soonyoung knew he wasn’t going to change for Jihoon. Not did he, nor was he going to. He loved him, but he also was fine with who he had become; he wasn’t inherently evil, he wasn’t particularly disrespectful nor cruel, he also didn’t smoke, or drove around drunk. He didn’t mistreat animals, children or the elderly, and stood away from basically anything that could mean harm to people around him. He was a good son, brother and friend. He payed his taxes… What was so wrong about him that drove Jihoon over the edge? 

At that point, he was unsure if he missed a relationship or if he missed Jihoon. He found himself missing the warmth of a body, but couldn’t pin point in sleeping next to any of his friends would fill the gap. He made sure to give Jun and Minghao their space when they slept over, even if both of his friends wouldn’t really mind him cuddling them. Even if he was close to both of them, he was mindful and respectful of certain conducts he couldn’t engage. He didn’t want to start any misunderstandings that could potentially break their friends up. He was, after all, Junhao fan #1. Either way, he was at loss if trying to cuddle to either of them would make him feel better.

[A part of his brain knew he would need someone shorter - Chan? Seungkwan? - who could not reach the end of his feet while sleeping.]

Also, it was the deafening sound silence made. He never quite understood what Jihoon meant by that, when he was complaining about it whenever they fought before - and it was noisy back then, with ragged breaths, teeth clenching and the soft ruffles of clothes, fabric against fabric -, but now he was burdened with knowledge: the sound was louder than anything he heard while dancing, and was louder than the ringing on his ears when he put the music just slightly too loud when dancing. It was like drowning, he supposed. It was all around him, like the cold embrace of every mistake he had made till then. 

[Jihoon used to tell him that noise was by far the worst kind. It meant not even his brain could conjure up a melody to feel the void. It meant he was empty and had to find a way to refill himself before going crazy.]

[Also, Jihoon told him that being around him feeling the void quite enough to start rebuilding.]

Somehow Soonyoung found himself watching Jihoon’s messages again. From their brief interaction to the new messages the young man had sent him since. Every single one of his messages were lyric material, the dancer mussed. Jihoon was just talented as that when writing. The producer hated to put his words into spoken word, because he thought it sounded cheesy and cliche’d, but songs and poems were fair game, and now, the dancer mussed, text messages were too. He actually recognized some of the sentences as lyrics of unreleased songs Jihoon still thought weren’t good enough to put music alongside them. Soonyoung usually joked the producer had to set his unreleased melodies and unreleased lyrics on a blind date.

[Once or twice they did, and laughed well into dusk]

[No TV show could compare to the love stories they wrote that day.]

 

He read them over and over, and still couldn’t find courage in himself to reciprocate those feelings, no when he was so afraid they were going to vanish the moment his presence was added to the equation. Such delicate feelings weren’t made for rough, callused hands and restless limbs. He still couldn’t believe himself worthy the attention. He never saw himself as Jihoon’s muse - regardless of how much, and how often, Seungcheol and Wonwoo teased him after a song was released -, the sole thought was somewhat laughable. Sure, he could choreograph a dance to any of them, and he could feel every word and every cord striking something deep in his soul; and even if could find personal meaning and connection to them, he was aware Jihoon had wrote equally great songs long before him, and would keep composing them way after. 

[Jihoon biggest mistake to date, was not telling him that even before they connected, every song he had written was about him. And every song he was to write, would have Soonyoung in it, even if far apart.]

Looking at his phone one last time, he got up from the floor and chose another Shinee song to dance to, consciously ignoring the first list he had on his favorites. 

 

Jihoon hadn’t expected to see Minghao outside the store. He had made the choice of stalling and walked around aimlessly just in case he ran into him again on his way back. It took at least three times more that it usually took him to buy convenience store pre-made bentos, and the chinese dancer stood there in the cold, still. 

Minghao huffed, somewhat annoyed.

“You really did take your time inside there” he complained, burying his nose into his scarf. 

Jihoon wanted to apologize, but he couldn’t, not when he was so confused about the younger one’s motivations. 

“Why are you here, Minghao?” He asked, careful.

“Let’s go, There’s a coffee machine around here. I don’t want to bother that dude inside anymore.” He answered instead, reincorporating himself and starting to walk ahead Jihoon, like giving him the space to run away if he wanted… no. Minghao was sure the producer was going to follow him regardless, the annoying brat. Jihoon thought for a moment on calling him out on it, but decided against it. 

[He, still, was slightly afraid of the b-boy.]

They walked in complete silence. Minghao walked in front of him, back straight and strong, the bag dangling from his wrist, because his hands were inside his sweatpants pockets. Even at night, Jihoon could see the dancer had his earrings reflecting light behind his black locks, and was sure he still had his rings on too. Even in work out clothes, he was so mindful of how he looked. Jihoon was also on a late run with black sweatpants on, and felt oddly underdressed walking behind the younger. They reached the machine and Minghao ordered two cans of coffee, before Jihoon could even complain. 

“I had the money ready. You didn’t stand a chance” Minghao provided, as he noticed Jihoon’s glare.

“Why are we here, Minghao?” He asked, before accepting the drink, looking straight to Minghao’s nose, not his eyes. 

[Minghao noticed. Of course he did.]

The young man rested against the machine, his back pressed lightly against it, and brought the can to his lips to drink from it.

“This is gross…” he complained, and yet took another sip.

Jihoon was, at best, really unimpressed.

“Stop avoiding the question!”

Minghao regarded him again with a stoic glance and sighed, deeply.

“I don’t know.”

“Well, if you ‘don’t know’…” started Jihoon, opening the can violently “I’m going to go. Good night, Minghao” and he started to walk away.

“I know you contacted Soonyoung-hyung” he heard the other say. Jihoon halted in his tracks, anger boiled his innards.

“If you have anything to say, say it straight!!” 

Jihoon’s boiling anger was met with a cool, unexpressive stare. They held each other’s eyes before the dancer opened his mouth again.

“I don’t trust you with his heart, Jihoon-hyung” 

Well, that was something, Jihoon thought before the anger boiled over.

“YOU don’t trust me?? That’s rich, coming from someone who has been all over him even if he was taken, while having a perfectly fine boyfriend, since the beginning!! What are you playing at, Minghao? Gotten greedy?” He challenged.

Minghao frowned slightly, his brow twitching.

“Don’t try me, Jihoon-hyung”

“Well, what do you expect me to do when you come here all high and mighty telling me you don’t trust me with MY boyfriend’s heart??”

“Ex boyfriend. He still is your ex boyfriend.”

They looked at each other, before Jihoon took one large gulp from the can, failing to drink all of it in one go. From the corner of his left eye, he saw Minghao shift on his feet. 

“Look… Jihoon-hyung…” he mumbled, before steadying his voice “I don’t know what your whole issue with me is, I’ve never known. But I know I care about Soonyoung. He is one of my best friends. And right now, I want my best friend to be happy, but I can’t decide if that’s with, or without you.”

“And, care to tell, have you to decide about that, uh?” retorted Jihoon “that’s mine and his to sort out. Not yours.”

“Well, your sorted everything with Seungcheol-hyung and never once considered Soonyoung-hyung’s feelings. I think I have ALL the right to interject” 

That stopped Jihoon’s in his tracks.

[“Look, Jihoon… it wasn’t just Cheollie… Minghao-ah heard you talk about Soonyoung… on Hansol’s birthday…”]

Ashamed, he lowered his head, and Minghao continued:

“I heard you talking about him like he was the worst thing around. You can play the victim with anyone else, but not with me, Jihoon-hyung. Not with me” he said, softly.

The stood in silence for a while, the noise of the night, melody stale and repetitive, only was broke by the unaware passerby. Neither made a move to leave, nor did they knew how to start the conversation again. Jihoon didn’t know if he should apologize or be angry at the younger, while Minghao couldn’t put into words what he was feeling at the moment. Everything would have been easier if Jihoon understood even the most basic chinese.

“I wanted to beat you up, back then. I wanted so badly to go to you and break your nose…” he provided, unsure, after a few minutes “but I respect Hansol and Seungkwan. I didn’t want to cause an scene. So I took myself out of it and left. I regret that. I should have confronted you then…”

“Minghao… I”

“No. Stop! Let me finish…!” he barked, looking at Jihoon “When Soonyoung went away for that week, I felt guilty… because I had been thinking about him in the same lines since I met him. He can be annoying. He is loud. He is boisterous. That’s Soonie…” he said, hunching over a bit “… and I love him for that. We all do, right?”

JIhoon nodded in silence, trying to piece together what Minghao was trying to convey.

“You were supposed to be the one who loved him the most. The one who understood him the most… and yet… learning that you were exactly as anyone else… was tough. Soonyoung doesn’t deserve someone who sees him like everyone else’s does. And what hurts the most is that he doesn’t see it. He still believes he is the one at fault in all this shit…” he grunted, trying to keep his cool even if he felt the need to be emotional so Jihoon could see his distress. 

In return, Jihoon looked at him, slightly panicked, and almost asking for permission, he kept silent until Minghao moved his head to give him a go. 

“I… I’m sorry Minghao. I… never thought that I was being… dishonest with Soonyoung. I vented to Cheol because I thought that was the way I was going to keep him with me. That if I… if I found a way to cope with everything and keep him in the dark about my own issues… He wouldn’t be able to find a reason to leave….” He said, massaging his face, keeping himself from crying “I am… no, I was so insecure about so much stuff about our relationship, about the future… even about the present really, that I just needed space to sort it out. I needed to write songs. Compose music. That’s what I’ve always done. I never thought that…”

“But it did” Minghao interrupted, bitterly “He blames himself for everything. For not being enough for yo. For annoying you. For making you unhappy. For not being better for YOU…” he continued, growing frantic “why did you let him think he was responsable for everything regarding you two? Why was HE the one who had to change, uh??”

Jihoon trembled. He wanted to pass it as the night’s icing wind, but he knew better under his heavy jacket. 

“I… Because I was comfortable. He has… been my light. Since a long time ago. I… never wanted to make him feel like that, you know? I wanted him to be happy, to be himself. I thought I was the problem and that I needed to fix myself before I could be happy again…” he rubbed his eyes, pressing into them “I love him Minghao. I’m not ready to let him go. Not for your concerns, or anyone’s.” He said, and surprised himself of how sure he sounded “I love him.”

Minghao sighed, looking straight into the dark cloudy sky.

“Fix this. Fix this. You won’t get another chance, even if I have to convince Jun and Chan to go to China to take him away from your toxic ass. I will do it, don’t think I won’t. Not even Seungcheol-hyung might save you from my wrath then.” He threatened, but his voice sounded lighter, not heavy with tears, and Jihoon tried to conjure a convincing smirk.

“China is not that far away. I will go there if I have to. And I will fight you personally, If I have to.”

They resumed their silent companionship, drinking the last drops of coffee from their cans before Jihoon broke the silence once more.

“Before… you asked what my problem was. With you I mean…” he grew slightly pink, and Minghao was confused “I’m… jealous. Of you. Of how you are with him. And before you start, Jun’s been very graphic in explaining how you don’t have any feelings like… romantic, for Soonyoung. But that doesn’t mean I won’t feel threatened.”

Minghao sighed again, annoyed.

“It’s hard not to feel cuddly when he is so huggable. Have you seen how Seokmin just calls him his “old-wife”? How Mingyu hugs him? And dude, if you had to be jealous of anyone, is from Mingyu’s flirty ass…” he joked “but seriously… Soonie can hug and cuddle to anyone. But you are the only one who can make him cry. You are the only vulnerability I have seen in facade since… ever… That’s more powerful than a hug, don’t you think?”

Jihoon looked at the sky and softly said:

“Somehow I just learnt I had that power recently…”

Minghao smirked.

“And that, Jihoon-hyung, is why you are Soonyoung’s idiot only.”

 

 

 

 

 

[Later that night, Jihoon went into their room again and slept on their bed for the first time in weeks.]

[Somehow he believed he had won that right that night.]


	10. The Perks of a Heartbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> History is made by taking chances.
> 
> Soonyoung chose to make history and he learnt about the perks of having his heart broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this was one hell of a ride, but I did it.
> 
> I'm so very thankful for all of you who read this. I seriously want to thank you all from the bottom of my little silly heart. This started as a project to practice my English writing skills, but I found support from every single one of you, the ones who commented, and those who didn't.  
> I'd like to add that this is by no means my final project. I'm on the works for a light hearted piece, much needed after this dark moody one.   
> Also! I have a twitter account for fanfics!! also some art and stupid shit really. Fandom-y stuff mostly. The account is: https://twitter.com/HellSunset. Feel free to join me there and chat!! I'm always on Twitter.
> 
> I hope you like this final chapter!
> 
> See ya!

Chapter 10 

The Perks of a Heartbreak

 

History is made every day. We just lack perspective to understand the impact every single event will have in the far future. We talk about great kings and queens of old like they didn’t have the same mundane issues we have. We treat them like everything they did had a meaning, had an impact, and because of our modern views, we forget that the importance of of our actions are not decided in our times. Winning a battle, gaining power, marriage, death, is the others who exist long after we are gone that decide the real impact we had in the large scheme of things. But regardless, everything starts with just one thing: the size of a chance. 

The moment you choose to take a chance, is the moment history starts moving. May it be just one step. May it be just a breath. May it be just a thought. But if you already made up your mind, everything around you shifts. Somehow, Soonyoung pondered, he could only remember a handful of those moments in his life: when he was 12, and told off a bully who was harassing Seungkwan. He gained two great friends then, Seungkwan and Seokmin. When he was 17, and told his parents he wanted to pursue dance a profession. Rejection and scorn helped him build his character and resilience. When he was 19, he got accepted into college, scholarship on his shoulders. He learnt independence and responsibilities. His dreams seemed endless back then. When, at 24, he invested all of his founds into building Hurricane. He won respect and fulfilled a dream then. When he was 25, and gave Jihoon a promise. He won a love for life. 

And now, at 27… when he broke up with Jihoon and took that promise back with him. 

In a way, he knew that he was being pessimistic, and that it was out of character of him to be so, yet he knew that without that pessimistic streak, a lot of the pasts month’s introspection wouldn’t have taken place. He never was the kind to think too much about stuff; more often than not, he was a doer. He was the kind of man who would go after anything he wanted and he was the kind of man who did everything in his power to obtain it. Now he understood that such drive came with a high dose of recklessness, that it made the stakes far too risky. Life wasn’t all or nothing. He learnt that in his relationship with Jihoon, or, well, the end of it. Giving all you have until running dry is no way of living, or maintaining a relationship, no matter how important, how consummated it seems. He usually was being chastised for being reckless with his body and the capabilities of it, and now he was faced wit the reality that it wasn’t just his body the one he punished because of his drive. And yet Soonyoung he knew he had another chance to take. 

Taking one deep breath he gave Hurricane one long look before locking the door and stepping into the luminous spring night. 

 

[Friday, 19:24 P.m.]

Seungcheol was restless. He had many nervous habits, but the most notorious, Jisoo pondered, was how he fidgeted with his hands: he played with one finger at a time, making his knuckles knack and his skin rustle. He also ran them over his hair every few minutes, damp hair standing straight up in parts, and matted down in others. He also bit his lips, but that usually happened if he had to push himself to talk, not when he was in deep thought. It was late afternoon, and Jeonghan was in the shower, and had been for the last few minutes, just as Seungcheol had let himself go and started fidgeting on the kitchen island while listening to some or another song. And yet, Jisoo knew it wasn’t a song for work. When he was stressed from work, Seungcheol became less fidgety, more steely. So it was something personal, and from the looks of it, something to so with Jihoon and everything going on right now with him and their friends. Looking up from his video game, he slowly walked towards his roommate and dropped his weight on his back, almost in a back hug, but not quite. Startled, Seungcheol flinched and dropped his earphones.

“Jisoo…?” He asked, somewhat dumbfounded.

“What’s wrong, Cheoliel?” Jisoo asked, softly. His voice was welcoming, mostly soft and tender, and he knew it had an effect on the people around him. Made him seem trustworthy, mostly. 

The older one sighed and slightly collapsed against his friend, massaging his temple.

“I’m just…” he picked the earphones up and put one on Jisoo’s ear, the other in his “listen to this”

And so Jisoo did. He recognized Jihoon’s piano playing style right away, and then his clean and mellow voice started to pour out his soul into words, the way he knew how. It was beautiful. Less upbeat than most of his tunes, but a well paced nonetheless. He tried hard to weight every word, every sound, and put a face and a feeling into it. He nuzzled Seungcheol’s damp hair while listening, and the other cuddled him back, still fidgeting with his fingers and trying hard not to sniff, Jisoo noted.

“It’s… heartbreaking”

Seungcheol nodded, almost imperceptible. He was very careful not to hit Jisoo’s jaw with the back of his head. Always the gentle buff. 

“It is…”

“But also very hopeful”

“Yeah…”

“Why are you so concerned about it?”

“It’s just… I just want his feelings to get across. I have been listening non stop since the first demo and… and I know this is Jihoon’s apology. This is Hoonnie’s at his worst, but this is also his best. I’ve never have heard him so emotionally invested in a piece…”

“So it sounds. His voice is so heartfelt… It’s new?”

“It’s the song for Soonyoung”

That perked Jisoo’s interest right away, tensing against his friend’s back. Seungcheol took that as a sign to go on.

“And I don’t know if it’s enough. I want it to be enough but…”

Jisoo straightened slightly, trying not to frown confusedly, and shifted so he was now looking straight to Seungcheol’s titled head. His profile was tense, and his eyes moist. 

“Enough for what?”

A heartbeat passed, and Seungcheol gave him the most restrained smile he had ever seen. 

“For Soonyoung to listen”

 

[Friday, 20:02 P.M.]

Hansol loved Friday nights because it meant Seungkwan got out of work slightly earlier and could spend the night cuddling and talking about everything and anything. The last few months had been so intense, emotionally, physically and mentally; friendships, work, projects and stress had been at a new level of abysmal, and he knew it had taken it’s toll on his sensitive boyfriend. That’s why he found a new appreciation of late Friday walks. Just as the temperature rose up from the below zeros, their mood seemed to accompany them up, looking forward a new step in their life’s. 

Seungkwan had his hand inside Hansol’s pocket, both hands holding each other in the cramped space, but neither minded. It was an habit they got after cold walks in the winter, and wouldn’t stop till mid May, if the humidity didn’t kill them first. Tonight, they walked in silence, both lost in their own heads, comfortable in their silence and companionship.

But of course, Seungkwan never was quiet for long.

“Hey… Hansol…” he muttered, shyly into his scarf.

He hummed in response, pushing his boyfriend to say something more.

“If…. If you get… you know, annoyed? With me. If you get annoyed with me, please tell me before you snap…”

That was worth a reaction, the amateur rapper thought, halting his steps and squeezing Seungkwan’s hand a bit tighter inside his pocket. He gave his boyfriend a look, before smiling.

“Is this about Soonyoung and Jihoon?”

“No…? Well, yes. But not about them… them. This is about us. I don’t want you to… grow to resent me if I get annoying. And please don’t say I’m not or that I could never annoy you. I think we are past those silly lies…” Seungkwan grumbled.

Hansol nodded, even if he still felt Seungkwan could never really annoy him. Maybe sometimes, but just domestic stuff they always made sure to talk about. But he understood where Boo was coming from. Maybe they talked about Jihoon and Soonyoung an unhealthy amount of time, gossiping, but they’ve never talked about how that experience had impacted their relationship, and it had, he mussed. Seungkwan had been more mindful about his pitch when he ranted, and was more mindful of the intensity of those too. On the other hand, Hansol tried to be more attentive, paying more attention to everything Seungkwan was not communicating verbally. In a way, that experience made them mindful of how things could shift in a second, without really a notice. 

“I will” Hansol promised, voice raspy “I… I will work hard, to notice stuff too.”

Seungkwan smiled and nodded, a promise of getting better together hung unspoken, but clear as day when they kissed, sealing it in the silent embrace of the night.

 

[Friday, 18:56 P.M.]

Full on party nights hadn’t been a thing since February, but that didn’t meant Mingyu had given up on trying to bring as many of his friends together as he could. It also helped that Seokmin was also somewhat extroverted and loved being around people he adored to hang out and eat dinner. It also was good that the chef-in-training had most Fridays off, making it up with long hours on Saturday and Sunday, and that the musical actor never had late hours of practice when they were still trying to put together a show. They had to make the most of it. So, that’s why good old Chan was helping out with setting the table, Junhui and Wonwoo were focused on bickering about the movie they had to choose for the night and he himself was humming along Minghao’s election of music while he plated the main course. 

The young chinese male was a bit moody, but that was understandable. Soonyoung had apologized and rejected the invitation for the night, arguing he had somewhere to be that night. And while that itself was somewhat weird - he was living on a dance studio for fuck’s sake, what plans could he have for the night? - no one had paid him much thought. 

Or at least till dinner was served and all of them dat at the table, chatting away. Then, the lack of snarky Minghao style comment’s was becoming a tad weird. 

“Hey, Hao, Hamster got your tongue or what?” Teased Chan, laughing when Jun pointedly tried to flick his ear.

The break dancer just grunted and let himself play with the chopsticks.

“It was the cat, not the hamster”

Mingyu tried to suppress his drink to go the other way and coughed. Besides him, Wonwoo snorted. 

“Jihoon?”

“Yeah, kinda”

Jun sighed.

“They met a few nights back, things are cool now… right?” He asked Minghao for the up-tenth time since he learnt of the conversation his boyfriend had with his dear friend. 

Minghao rolled his eyes.  
“Yes, Junnie. Everything is peachy”

“Then why are you looking like a infected mouse crawled up your ass and gave you the plague?” Asked Wonwoo, the epitome of tact in the flesh. Mingyu couldn’t suppress the rumbling laugh it provoked. Chan wasn’t far behind, trying to suppress the convulsing laughs, and Seokmin was outright giggling. 

“Very funny, Wonu-hyung” replied the dark haired man “been reading a lot of European books lately?”

“Just the right amount of one, and it’s given me superb material for nasty jokes” 

Chan tried to stop snickering, and pointed Minghao lazily with his chopsticks.

“Trying to keep this serious, dude, what’s wrong?” 

“Soonyoung is going to meet Jihoon tonight”

Seokmin dropped his chopsticks, breaking the astonished silence. Besides Minghao, Jun tried not to laugh. 

“What??? And he didn’t tell us??????” the singer shouted, mildly hurt.

Minghao snorted.

“He didn’t tell anyone, don’t twist your panties just yet”

Mingyu was confused.

“But, he told you”

“Nah. He wouldn’t.”

“Then how do you know for sure?” Wonwoo asked, massaging his temple rather angrily. 

“Because he refused free fried chicken made by Gyu, of course” he answered, somewhat amused. 

Seokmin snorted, smiling. 

“Well, then we just wait…? This is exciting, isn’t it?”

Chan rolled his eyes, but he felt giddy inside.

“Wonu should write a book titled: ‘101 ways not having friends is better: stopping murder edition’”

“Why do you say that?” Asked Jun, who had been looking at Minghao the whole time oblivious to what was happening around the table, shifting his gaze to Wonwoo. 

And then he saw.

Wonwoo was stabbing his chicken, while muttering things about voodoo and an annoying soon-to-be-dead hamster. 

Deep inside, he felt sorry for Soonyoung.

 

[Friday, 20:30 P.M.]

Jihoon hadn't been expecting the sound of keys at the front door that evening. He was laying in bed, dozing off after dinner while listening to some foreign music in his computer when he heard the tell telling sound of keys in his front door. He groaned, cursing Seungcheol for his inopportune visit and struggled to get up from bed. Taking one of his - Soonyoung’s originally, but now was his - worn and cozy sweaters, he stomped right to the door and shouted.

“For the love of God, Seungcheol, go back home or I’m going to toss the TV straight int…..” He froze, looking up at the figure at the door, and his voice died when muttering “…o your head”

Soonyoung tried to suppress his grin. It was so Jihoon to curse like that, but at the same time, what was a source of fondness also brought a nasty bitterness to the pit of his stomach, reminding him why he was there. 

“Hello, Jihoon” 

It was funny, he mussed, seeing Jihoon so startled. Most of the time he encountered flustered Jihoon, then stubborn or even annoyed. Seeing him so taken aback was so foreign, but not quite refreshing. It showed just how much things changed by bringing to light a new reaction to his presence. 

“S-Soonyoung” Jihoon gave a step forward and Soonyoung had to steel himself not to take one back. They looked at each other, like scared and wounded animals. Any brusque movement and the spell was broken.

They stared at each other for a few minutes. Soonyoung noted that Jihoon had lost a bit of weight, not a lot, but he looked paler and narrower, drowning inside that old sweater. His calves looked thinner too, under his blue and green boxers. But his eyes shone sharp and deep, not unfocused. He was focusing his whole ability to concentrate in him. 

“It’s.. it’s been a while…” he muttered, breaking the spell, shifting his gaze towards the surprisingly clean living room. He quite expected dishes loitering the floor at that point.

“Yeah, so it has been…” answered Jihoon, eyes still glued to his form “I… I’ve…”

Soonyoung shook his head, interrupting Jihoon in his tracks. He inhaled sharply and gathered the courage he was able to build the past few days.

“I want to talk first… if you let me…” Jihoon took no time in nodding, agreeing to that request, his lips thin, and frame stiff “thank you…” sighing softly, Soonyoung ran a hand through his hair.

This was it. This was his chance. This was the moment he takes his own story and builds his future. 

“Jihoon, I love you” he said, open, his wavering gaze shifting from the floor straight to the producer’s. 

Jihoon inhaled sharply, his whole body on the verge of collapsing. Relief wanted to flood his whole being, and use that same push to go and embrace Soonyoung, never letting go. He wanted to feel relieved, he desperately needed that. Soonyoung loved him. Soonyoung loved him and was there, in their home. Soonyoung came back and was telling he, Jihoon, that at least love hadn’t died. Soon young loved Jihoon. And yet, he could sense it. Fear.

“But I haven’t forgiven us”

Soonyoung felt his whole body shaking, from head to toe. He was oh so afraid, so desperate to get his message across. To take his heart out and present it to Jihoon, raw and nervous. And yet he couldn’t. He needed to measure every word and take control of that conversation. He needed to show Jihoon at least that level of growth. On the other side of the living room, Jihoon was trying hard not to move, not to make a sound. 

“I regret a lot of things. But mostly I regret not knowing when to stop pushing. Even now…” he felt the need to laugh, mostly pitying himself, humorlessly “…even now, I am pushing. I think it would have been easier to break things up for good if I hadn’t held so tight to what we had. But I did. I held us as hard as I could and… I’m empty. I don’t have strength anymore, Jihoon. I can’t keep this up… but I can’t forgive you…I just can’t…” hot tears gathered behind the lid of his eyes, and he tried to hold the back as much. He hugged himself, trying to hold the trembling back. From underneath the tears, he could see Jihoon shifting closer, his fists tensing and relaxing glued to his side, still listening “but mostly I just can’t find it in me to forgive myself…”

And then, he broke. Tears began flowing and he just stood there, sobbing quietly into himself, his own hands providing comfort. Jihoon felt his own soul pulsating on the verge of breaking.

“I love you. I love you…” repeated Jihoon as a chant, under his breath “Soonyoung, I’m so sorry. I love you. This is all on me. Please stop blaming yourself…” he begged.

“How can I!?” Snapped the dancer, frustrated “how can I stop blaming myself when it was my call. It has always been MY call and I’ve never done ANYTHING to change that!! I asked for your number. I asked you out. I asked you to move in with me. I asked you to join me for family vacations. I asked you to join me in my little adventures. Everything was on ME!” he sobbed again, pressing his hands against his eyes “I pushed you. I was there making you part of my life, absorbing you. And when you pushed back, asked for space, I pressed even harder!! I’m the architect of this whole mess…” he finalized, rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket. 

“And I never fought back hard enough!! I couldn’t even be truthful, for fuck’s sake!!” Argued Jihoon, his hands reaching out for Soonyoung “I never really told you when it was too much till I just BROKE. I WANTED to keep up with you. I wanted to be part of EVERYTHING that you were and I just couldn’t! I wasn’t good enough! So I took my frustrations on you, because I wasn’t brave enough to be upfront…”

Soonyoung tried hard not to look at Jihoon when he asked:

“Why? What were you so afraid of?”

“You. You leaving me. You understanding I wasn’t good enough. I was terrified. I want ed to be with you so badly it hurt. But I just couldn’t keep up. I wanted to sort my own issues alone, so you wouldn’t find a reason for leaving me and look where it got me!!! To you, rightfully, leaving my sorry ass” he added, bitterly. He saw Soonyoung trying to speak, but he was faster “I felt that if I complained to you, and if I annoyed you because of that, you would leave me for someone better. Someone who could keep up. But it got me so frustrated. I was paralyzed in fear and never could ask you to speak softer, not to touch me when I was tense, not to be around when I was in my early stages of stress…! And I know that’s stupid I get it now… but at the time I needed to vent or I would have exploded. I never meant to harm you. I never meant to break your trust… I’m so sorry Soonyoung. I’m so, so sorry…” he ssobed, shoulders slumping and his whole body struggling to keep him up. 

Soonyoung just let himself sit on the floor. He just crossed his legs and hung his head low, his back shaking with every labored sob, every harsh breath. He whole body shook with the effort he was making to calm down. He felt Jihoon approaching him, and he felt the warmth radiating from his body when he crouched in front of him. And yet, it still felt so cold…

“Was I so untrustworthy…? Did I really make you feel like you weren’t good enough?” He asked, his voice hoarse.

Jihoon hesitated a second, his own sobs and tears in chorus with Soonyoung’s.

“No… I just convinced myself I wasn’t… this was never on you, Soonie…. At least 70% of this whole debacle was because I couldn’t convince myself that, that was my life. That I could be happy… and I was. Even at my worst, I was so, so happy”

The sat in silence, trying to collect themselves. After a few seconds of silence, Jihoon continued.

“You don’t have to forgive me. I don’t expect you to….”

Soonyoung slowly lifted his gaze, confused. Jihoon sighed, pushing himself to get a bit closer. 

“I don’t expect you to forgive me because I hurt you. A lot. I pushed you to break up with me with my actions even if I deluded myself thinking it was ok to talk shit about you if it wasn’t to your face and that’s so wrong. Hell, if I saw anyone else do it, I… I wouldn’t have had the same consideration Minghao had with everyone… that’s why I don’t expect you to forgive me… not yet…”

They looked at each other, eyes bright with tears, faces red and splotchy. Soonyoung felt his own heart thumping slow inside his chest, steadying by the sole thought of… of hope?

Jihoon stood up and stretched his hands straight to Soonyoung. The older hesitated to take it, but after a heartbeat or two, he accepted the gesture and got up silently. The shorter male didn’t make a move to let go of his hands, leading him to their bedroom. Once there, he reluctantly let go of Soonyoung and took his phone up, giving Soonyoung his earphones.

“Just listen” he pleaded.

And Soonyoung did. 

Once. Twice. He felt his eyes fill with tears one again, spilling over. Every word. Every note. Every single emotion Jihoon tried to convey. It was there. It was raw. And… it lacked pressure. Jihoon was not asking to be forgiven all at once. He was just asking Soonyoung to come around when he was ready, even if it was in the future far away. Because it was his time to wait. When he pressed for a third loop, he held his hand out to Jihoon, and didn’t let go.

Jihoon took it, and let history take it’s course.

Even if his desired end took time to be fullfilled.

Even if it took a while.

Even if they got lost

Because that’s the perk of a heartbreak.

You always get out stronger.

 

So, he could only hope they could join again.

Stronger. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[It was early June, when Jihoon asked Soonyoung if they could adopt a puppy.]

[Soonyoung said yes.]


End file.
